GYSO Drawing Part 14 - I Love You

Published: 2019-09-15

Introduction

Tim: I want to say something like “I can’t believe we are writing a review of My Little Pony: The Movie” but honestly I can easily believe it. What im more impressed by is the fact that im actually going to put this shit online and make it part of my legacy. Some day someone is going to connect this blog to my real life identity and be like, “What the fuck, Tim?” And im going to have to tell them not to judge a blog post by its premise and actually give this thing a try.

*sigh*

So… Here it is. We’re actually doing this. An in-depth review of “My Little Pony: The Movie.” We (as in me, Thor, and a mutual third wheel friend) watched this movie together as a joke. Ha ha, how funny would it be to shit on a children’s show? How fucking orginal.

The problem is that my briliant imagination wouldn’t stop thinking of stupid shit to say; so much, in fact, that Thor made a list of all the things that we were talking about. This list is 1500 words long. The notes are longer than some of our previous post.

My knowledge of the… My Little Pony Universe? The MLPU? Whatever. My knowledge of this show is quite limited. So all of you super fans out there can stuff my misinterpritation under your fingernails.

And just like fingernails, im biting off more than I can chew in the name of comedy masochism manic depression GYSO. Insert funny metaphore here.

What went right?

Tim: Im going to be honest. Its been about a week since I saw the movie, so im refreshing my memory of it through an IMDB synopsis. The dorment and suppressed neurons dedicated to a movie about magical dwarf horses are being reactivated.

For all the people who refuse to watch this movie, I will now summarize it for you: There are 6 horses and a purple plush toy dragon thing that are getting together for an orgy called “The Friendship Festival.” The skittle colored equines’ debautchery is cut short by the apperance of a crazy bitch with a shattered dildo glued to her forhead. Obviously into some hardcore shit she begins to threaten the 6 power rangers. When the power puff girls ask about a safe word the dildo bitch freezes the parties’ host: Princess Celery and Princess Moonshine.

After the whole ordeal is successfully posted to r/PublicFreakout the flying blue one starts to come down off her cocaine binge, so the caravan travels to the city equivlent of Detroit. Then a guy in a FurSuit 2000 Special Edition Cat Fuck comes along to help them get through the city. He betrays them by trying to sell the horse abominations into slavery. That last sentence was not a joke, thats actually what happened.

The Chromatic Colts escape a life in chains by going onto a slave ship. Good idea, girls. The ship is full of ex-priates turned cargo birds. The captain is depressed because she can’t rape and pillage innocent villages like the good old days of pirates. Don’t worry pidgen captain! Just get a whiplash reminder that this is a musical and you’ll be set! The blue horse with wings starts to smell colors after she realizes that what she just snorted wasn’t cocaine, then signals Dildo Bitch to their location by kamakaze exploding in the sky. Thousands die.

Several bad puns later the Crew gets a contact high from Bad Trip the Rainbow. They implicitly accept their new lives when a scentient seahorse princess turns them into mermaids. The purple one fucks up and insults the seahorse and they are all sent back to the surface (a euphamism for coming down from the high).

Many people react differently to drugs. In a stroke of insane luck all 6 of them get irrationally pissed at eachother and they split up to look for clues. SURPRISE! Dildo Bitch comes back with a vengence and traps the purple one in a cage. We don’t talk about what happens next in polite company.

After… The cage… They all meet up at the location of Friendship Festival 2017 2.0 Electric Booglaloo and challenge a totally well developed villan to a game of seppuku. Once again the day is saved by Barney the Horse and her friends. That is until Dildo Bitch decides to jump in front of a blast of ""“magic”"" to protect her prison bitch (the purple one). The purple one saves Dildo Bitch from slipping on the ""“magic”"" over a cliff because she is suffering from stalkholm syndrome.

During the “celebration” (read: orgy) Dildo Bitch reveals that her real name is “Fizzlepop Berrytwist.” The end.

Thor: Hey, that’s a good summarization, so let’s delve deeper into the ex-pirates-turned-cargo-birds and the absolutely maniacly fantasticness behind birds wanting to eat the horses. Really, it’s only funny because chickens and some other birds are usually considered food. So are horses.

Really, it’s just a series of ridiculous puns, and I stood frozen in place while watching it. It was as if my body did not know if it were to cry or to laugh. To maniacally profess the pure insanity of these poor exploited birds, traditionally being exploited for being a food source, now being exploited as cargo birds for the main villain girl. Then, being exploited by the power puff rangers to help them in their quest. So you get these long string of comments about how they want to eat them, and clip their wings. Everything is just insane, and stupid. They are really just suffering under the capitalist system, forcing them to do, figuratively, slave work for a monopolized master, The Storm King. But this capitalist world is the only thing they know, so they want to subject the only thing they know to the free-loading horses that just show up one day to break their monotonous, figurative slave-like, routine.

It’s all just about displaying what end-of-life capitalism will look like.

Now, to something different. In my notes I made a prediction:

So Tempest main conflict is wanting to become whole again. Having not even watched more than 20 minutes, she’s going to turn on Discord at the end, because the young, frisky horses can repair her too.

What went right? This prediction, mostly. She didn’t quite “turn” on Discord, but Disney made her save the pony puff rangers by sacrifing herself, giving the horses the upper edge to use their magic to then save back Tempest.

Oh and another good thing I guess is the bear that appears in the, I guess, second musical number. It just makes a cameo, but it’s quite an icebreaker before the movie really gets going.

Not only that, but to serve as a complete contrast to that comment, there’s an actually interesting dynamic in that the outside world sees Tempest as a “friend of the horse girls”, but she does not at all identify as such because she feels betrayed by the Equestria horses for some inane reason I can’t remember and don’t care enough about to care.

Tim: Why is it that every character in the story of My Little Pony: The Movie is contrived and cliche to the point of absurdity? I know the meta answer is that its because its a children’s movie, and to get through to children the people in charge of the production decided that they needed to resort to this, but that answer isn’t really satisfying. It’s far more interesting to consider why the characters act this way without considering the context of the story’s creation, to wonder what motivations they would have if it wasn’t just a children’s show built to appeal to developing brains.

The main villian is a pony named Tempest, and no im not talking about that stupid bipedal goat thing that only appears for the climax.

Tempest acts like a total moron, considering her goals. Her unicorn horn is shattered and her magic is broken, except she can still do awesome lightning shit. I guess its less focused or something? Whatever. The point is that she wants to get this part of her body fixed. How does she go about getting this fixed? Well the obvious solution is become subservient yourself to a stupid ass bipedal goat thing who claims to be able to solve all your problems by stealing some stupid ass magical artifact that will also happen to give him ulimited power. Are you kidding me? You want a major surgery and you find this to be the best way to go about it?

Of course, maybe unicorn horns are absurdly difficult to fix. Not because of any sort of complexity required (like neuroscience), but because it is a problem of raw power. If this is the case than that might make a bit more sense. She may not have the conficende/ability/charisma to get the acient power for herself or build an army to take it by force. Or, even mor insidiously, she does have the ability (as hinted by the fact that she is second in command behind the goat thing), but she was manipulated by the goat thing’s impossible promises and charisma.

But that explination leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Its like im excusing the problem instead of explaining the problem. For example: wouldn’t it be absurdly easier to just beg your totally benevolent and all powerfull princess rulers for some healing? You could do it in public, run ad campaigns and shit, and they would feel forced to heal you to keep up their image of serenity.

I could keep coming up with excuses for this. Maybe the only power capable of healing a unicorn’s horn is the specific power the goat thing is going for. Maybe the princess ponies are just faking their super powers and don’t actually know how to use the acient power they guard so jelously. Maybe she needs to validate her quest for some reason by going to war.

The issue is that if I accept all of these excuses than it begins to conflict with the actions of other characters. Why is the goat thing so stupid, if he has the obvious ability to raise an army and invade the homeland? Why do the princess ponies not know how to heal horns, if they are immortal? Given enough time it would be inevitable that one of them breaks a horn and would have to heal it (since all of them were perfectly healthy in the movie). If they could only use that specific acient power to heal horns than the obvious thing is to just heal it with the acient power.

And to this you could keep arguing excuses. Maybe the buracracy is corrupt to the point of uselessness. Maybe the princess ponies don’t want to give healing out because than the mortal ponies would begin to beg them for more healing, thus threatening their power. Yada yada yada.

The point im making is that Tempest is either a dumbass or has some alterior motive for her method of achieving her goals. I think the answer is that everyone in the show has an alterior motive, and will explaiain in universe why everyone acts as contrived and chiche as possible: The world runs off of children’s movie rules.

What would politics and war look like if our universe reworded people for being cliche and contrived? We would have corrupt governments acting like disney villans. We would see billionairs who got their fortune through fighting crime, not cunning or exploitation. People would sing their feelings, and everyone would know the coreographed dance routine. This would would arise naturally out of our need to exploit our environment to your benifit, no matter what that environment is. Doesn’t that sound familar to the world of My Little Pony: The Movie?

What if the princess royalty acts beneveloent and stupid because that is the best way to hold power? What if the goat thing is stupid and essentric because that is the best way to gain followers and wage war? What if the litteral easiest path to fix Tempest’s horn is to act the part of a villian, but while also getting into the good graces of one of the princesses (the purple one)?

It all fits together, under this assumption. Of course, its kinda redundent to say, “The world of a children’s movie works because the world it shows actually works like a children’s movie.” Still, there are some interesting implications to think about, once you look at it from this new lense.

For example: Tempest’s sidekick/minion/whatever. I don’t remember the little bastard’s name, and that is indicative of how horrible and useless this character is. Its the sereotypical “fat stupid minion with no personality” sidekick of the main villian. Now, any competent supervillian would never hire a sidekick this moronic. That is, unless it gives you an advantage over someone more competent. There is a chance that the stupid sidekick has an amazing dick, but honestly it might be that he is so contrived and cliche that is manipulates the very fabric of reality into someone more acceptable.

So todays lesson is this: if you smell propane its time to light a match.

What went wrong?

Tim: I guess I should adress the goat thing in the room and talk about My Little Pony show’s massive following: Who cares?

With that out of the way I would like to take a moment of silence for the inordinate amount of people who obviously poured their heart and souls into this movie only for some underground blog to shit on it two years after its release.

…

Formalities over.

I’ve ignored the scariest thing about watching this movie with two twenty-something internet babies: The sexual inuendos.

The extent of my knowledge about My Little Pony porn extends to about “Nope Nope Nope” territory. Unfortinatly for the world I watched this movie with two monsters, who know of the existance of said porn. This means I was subjected to an endless onslaught of hard moaning sounds every time a horses ass was shown on the screen. For every 3 things said that were normal there was 1 comment about how hot Tempest was or how virginal Twilight Sparkle would be.

I’m not innocent either. I made my fair share of jokes about who I would like to fuck, kill, and marry (Marry Tempest, fuck Fluttershy, kill everyone else).

Why must we corrupt all things innocent? Is it to feel like we are better than it? Is to fit in? Is it because humanity litterally can’t look at something without someone making porn of it?

I’ve forgotten what it is like to be a child, what its like to just to look upon a show and enjoy the flashing colors. Now when I consume the media I had as a young boy I now think, “Is the mailbox in Blues Clues an AI made to automate the mail industry? If so how does that fit into my theory that Steve is actually living in a simulation?”

For crying out loud. The third wheel third party me and Thor watched this movie answered the “fuck, marry, kill” question with “Marry Fluttershy, strangle-fuck the corpse of Spike to assert dominance.” Its like we are all competing for the title of “Arch Destroyer of Innocence.” Its like we have to do this, due to the curse of developing a larger prefrontal cortex.

And its fun damnit! Its fun to pick apart a children’s movie with a fine toothed comb. Its fun to write horrible summaries of of the movie that make no sence unless you watched it yourself. Its fun to make stupid comments about how sexually sentitive a unicorns horn would be. Its fun to make fun of yourself and others for it. Its fun to twist the innocent things you loved into shitty creepypastas or cold critique of the bourgeoisie.

Look at me! Reduced to tears at the thought of living up to the expectation of corruption placed upon me by all those who corrupt. I know now why some of those crazy bastards pick out their hears with a kitchen fork. The meloncholy of the world that expects you to rant and rave about Pinkie Pie’s perfect bubblegum hair.

Like sitting on a treadmill and expecting to walk I simply submit myself to the base and bestial desires of fitting in. To submit like how perfectly submissive Fluttershy would be. God damn its so creepy and yet so fun. The world won’t be dominated; we will just be convinced that someone else’s madness is more satisfying than our own. The brain isn’t secure software.

The brain isn’t secure software. There are various inputs into the brain that automatically cause certain neurons to fire. What if something sufficently smart could create a perfect sequence of sounds to cause us to stop worrying about things? What if we could cure all mental illness, but we had to submit to our basic instincts? Like the two sides of Rainbow Dash’s perfect ass there is a mirrior dichotomy between the pain of corruption and the joy of destruction.

All this prostrating about being “smart” or “rational” yet I am reduced to tears at a joke involving a flying blue horse getting high off LSD. I try to pretend to a pretense of intelligence, and yet I enjoy my life more when I am just bullshitting. The only truly freeing thing I ever allow myself to engage in is a blog that pretends to be about drawing. I get to live only once every two weeks, and never take this joy to its logical extremes. My life is a field that I cultivated into boredom, scared to improve since it would require me to violate a habit of thought.

Endless self-deception. Like the things im doing have any impact to my life enjoyment. I fantisize about being able to take action that actually improves my life, and yet I sit here and wack off like a fucking chimpanzee. What would it be like? Even if I end up being wrong, what would it be like to just do the things I want to do? To be able to make plans and follow through?

And yet I sit here, desperate for validation but scared that its false when I do recieve it. Im trapped in a cognative loop of motivation, rapid action, then meloncholy. Why do I get inspired to do things when others expect it, but im afraid to expect things from myself? If only I lived in a children’s movie I would know that my problems would solve themselves.

Maybe im the one who is corrupted. Grown to an adult on the food of my generation: movies about wish fufillment, books about power fantacy, games about being important, “you can do anything!”, awful schooling, neglagent sef-care, a rotting health, and the internet.

My whole life I have been exposed to the internet. No fucking wonder my expectations about myself are screwed. The internet taught me that it doesn’t matter if im the best or not. That if I do anything of particular note it will only be a drop in the bucket, a fad to be consumed alongside everything else. Why even bother trying when someone else has already done it better than you ever could? People out there who spend their whole lives mastering one skill, only to be liked for a few days than forgotten to the tide.

So I sit here, trapped. One on hand I’m desperate to stand out, to write in a style never before seen. I want to enjoy writing the way I like and be liked for it. Yet, on the other hand, I continue to despertly try to attain social validation through the sexulization of My Little Pony. Like it would even mattery anyways, since ill just ignore this problem long enough for it to lose all meaning. Im not going to change, even if I wanted to. Log into Reddit and waste away.

Horse cock joke.

Thor: Okay, now that… that… is over, I’ll just list my pet peeves while Tim, the co-founder of GYSO figures out some of his problems. Go back to writing about whatever eldritch abomination and I’m sure you’ll feel better.

  1. Cadence
  2. Rarity
  3. Twilight
  4. Pinkie
  5. Luna

Yes, these are some names of the horses that I managed to catch. Yes, these annoy me. Why? Because they’re bad names. They’re silly, they are only there to literally make the characters, and the kids watching, state that characters intended function in the universe, or their main characteristic. Disney leaves no space for character development by horseshoe-horning the characters traits straight to their literal names.

Oh, and this movie was memorable to forget that it was released 2017 when searching it, thinking it was 2016. This was a week after I had watched the movie. Though I will say, this underground movie-blog review fits quite well into the 37 Metascore this movie has. But it does not sympathize with the IMDB reviews reading…

Best Animated Movie I Have Ever Seen (10/10)

Or …

Better than expected (10/10)

My favourite …

Jesus is real, and this movie proves it (9/10)

Lastly, just a funny one …

I believe! I believe! (10/10)

Actually, the Jesus one is not a real review, I made that up to make a joke. Not that I need to, there are plenty of funny titles on the IMDB reviews page. Some involving horse puns, some just containing of snoring Zzzzz’s. Honestly, the IMDB review page of My Little Pony: The Movie (2017) might be funnier than the entirety of GYSO. And that’s coming from Thor, the co-founder of GYSO! Oh, and I lied, here’s the best review title:

It only made eight million during its opening weekend? Why??? (9/10)

The best part being that it’s a genuine 9/10, and the main complaint in the title is that people didn’t buy enough movie tickets.

Reading the review carefully shows something us drawing extraordinares wouldn’t know about the MLP universe:

… and the film seems to completely forget that Twilight has the ability to teleport.

Wow! Look at that, there are more things that are terribly wrong with this movie, serving only to further it’s own plot contrivance. It did not take a genius to figure out this would happen, because a previously stated non-genius, non-smart, MLP-bashing, blog-writing guy figured out this movie is built on random plot-advancing bullshit. And then there’s the IMDB review proving it. If that’s not a double-edge-case-blind-twist study, I don’t know what is.

Moving on, one major turmoil I have with this movie is the prevelance of themes and motives that are characteristic of a children’s movie. Like when they arrive at Desert Place or whatever the desert city was called, and stuff happens, yada yada. Eventually when FurSuit 2000 betrays them, the main purple power ranger screams “I knew it!”.

bUt If YoU kNeW, wHy DiDn’T yOu Do sOmEtHiNg?????????????????

Everything is stupid and contrived. Somehow, I understand that there’s some character development in the main girl’s shyness, and general insecureties over feeling inadquate and like she is in the wrong for letting the BDSM pony crew come all over their land and stiffen up their pony friends, place them in tight, tight, tight cages, and just really go hard on them. But it doesn’t make any sense. That line is just there for the excited, excited, kids watching this, just waiting to come and scream out “I knew it!”

What happens next?

Thor: Hey! Wow! I thought I’d be dead by now. Right now I’m kind of busy. Maybe there’s a way for me to indulge my totally-actually-drawing things that I’m doing with my life. Maybe there isn’t. We’ll see.

Oh, and I just wanted to take full responsibility for making this edition of GYSO: Neckboard Edition happen with my incessant note-taking. You sick web-scraping robots, who can’t find us since we’ve been de-listed or severely de-moted by Google’s search mastermind.

Tim: Maybe if I cough up enough blood it will validate my lung capacity.

Ill just stop talking here, since my voice is… a little horse.