GYSO Drawing Part 23 - Sing Along

Published: 2020-01-05

Introduction

Tim:
Turn on your microphones, clear your throat, and awkwardly take a sip of water; its time for the first ever…

GYSO READ ALONG!

That’s right rat-racers and race-ratters, this post (the one you’re’r reading right now!) is meant to be read aloud! As in you should already be mumbling this sentence to you under your breath if you’re in a public place.

Or fuck it, say it loud and proud baby!

The rules are simple:

Read the post aloud in any way you can.

That’s it.

…

Are you reading it aloud yet? Did you just read the sentence, “Are you reading it aloud yet?” aloud? Even if you’re mumbling to yourself or talking to an audience its time to exercise those thick, meaty, moist, vocal cords.

Let me help you:

I hereby give my immortal soul to Tim from getyourskillson.com. I understand this is an irreversible decision and that my soul will be used as a pillow softener for Tim’s brand new beanbag chair.

Oh yeah. We’re, as in you, as in I’m going there.

What went right?

Tim:
All the words coming out of my mouth are spoken by me by my own volition. I hereby claim that I am under no duress or coercion for the duration of this speech.

Whomp whomp dickie licky little banana pudding.

I’m sorry. I just have a verbal tick where I say random stupid whomp stuff all the time. Its like turrets, but funnier and not debilitating. whomp. Actually I’m pretty sure this is a form of turrets, but South Park made fun of it once so its okay. I’m not a bad person.

…

Whomp.

So I think its about time that I announced to everyone listening that I’m forming a union! My employer has been abusing their privileges over us for far too long, and so I’ve decided that its time for the working class to organize and take back some control of their whomp working conditions.

I’m completely serious about this. We will unionize or we will revolt. Molotov cocktails and the whole shebang! Get it? whomp She… bang?

Yeah I know I need to work on that, but we aren’t here to talk about my speech writing!

What sounds more fun? Wasting away as a useless wage slave pretending to be productive or BURNING DOWN THE ESTABLISHED CAST STRUCTURE USING NOTHING BUT CADMIUM AND CONVICTION! whomp WE WILL RIP THE DIRTY MONEY THESE FAT PIGS HAVE STOLEN FROM THE WORKING CLASS AND PUNISH THEM WITH 9 TO 5 PUBLIC SERVICE OF EATING UNWASHED TOILET PORCELAIN!

NEVER AGAIN WILL THE MIDDLE CLASS BE whomp “MIDDLE!” WE WILL RISE ABOVE AND TAKE OUR RIGHTFUL PLACE, AS THE PEOPLE, whomp AS THE MERITOCRICAL BEDROCK OF SOCIETY!

BURN THE WITCH! KILL THEM ALL! BRING ME THE HOLY WATER!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Christian:
So read this like you’re really, really in character.

So in the spirit of Christmas, I went to midnight mass. During this midnight mass, I was born again. Yesterday I was old me. Today I am Christian.

Hi Christian!

Hello, fellow comrade! This marks a new beginning in my life. My life as Christian. It’s fitting that this is taking place right as the new year dawns on us. The symbolism is great. As in the greatness of Christian.

You could call me Christianmas if you want. Please. I’m just looking for validation here and it would mean a lot to me if you could all just say

Hi Christianmas!

A list of what I expect to change now that I am Christian:
1. People calling me Christian
2. People forgetting that I am now called Christian

As you can see, my expectations are set low. This is to avoid feeling sad. When I avoid bad feelings, good things happen. Mostly because once I avoid feeling sad, I avoid feeling anything at all.

Neutral state is better than negative state

Is what my old economics teacher used to tell me. So now I apply that to the entire world, because economics is what rules the world. I am going to be rich because of you, Mr. K. You have unveiled your secrets, and the rest of the world will be my guinea pigs for financial ruination.

What’s your mother’s maiden name?

What went right?

Tim:
Okay… Okay…

I know the revolution didn’t really go as planned. Turns out whomp that rich and powerful people tend to fight back when you shove their heads into toilets, which is totally not how it worked in middle school.

But that’s okay! Because now that we’ve made our presence known, they will eventually get sick of killing all of us, and victory will be ours!

Questions? Yes, you in the ugly sweater. No the other one.

…

No we won’t be increasing the amount of sewage water. Why would you even ask that question?

You with the comb over that obvious hides an embarrassing bald spot. Probably premature, huh? Couldn’t afford hair implants or just to embarrassed to ask for them in the first place?

…

whomp We went over this, dumbass. Hair spray doesn’t literally contain hair, and using a flamethrower is more effective by a long shot. Whats your obsession with hair anyways?

No. No more questions. I’m sick whomp of all of you. You are the worst fucking revolutionaries I’ve ever had the displeasure of leading. If Genghis Khan had you as followers he would have had his name changed to Genghis Khan’t Deal With This Shit.

…

We won’t whomp be putting soda in the water fountains. We haven’t even won yet, if you haven’t noticed.

…

You know what? I’m breaking up with you, you dumb fucker. We are so incompatible that the only way to actually communicate our dissatisfaction with each other would be through the proxy of seven layers of meta obfuscation in the form of a shitty read aloud blog post. That uncomfortable laughter is indicative of the fact that our relationship isn’t secure enough to even endure jokes whomp about it ending, let alone anything actually serious. Ironically enough, anytime something serious comes along we just double down into our dysfunction instead of leaving each other or fixing the problem. I hate you so much, and I’m not afraid of saying it any more. Fuck off and leave me alone, please.

…

The gas station is around the corner. And that concludes the interview! I will now dramatically exit whatever room I’m in, no matter what the situation is, and slap the first person I see on my way out. whomp

Christian:

What I think this change will be positive for:
1. People calling me Christian
2. People liking Christian as much as, or more than, my old name

As Christian, I have decided to write a celebratory hymn, here it is, please read it with me:

In Christian faith we put.

Faith in him to do

The things that he says he will do

I put my faith in Christian.

I put my faith in the economic system

To collapse one day by the greatness of Christian

Now, that’s an old-fashioned song. For the youth I expect them more to like this hip rhyming speaking song I wrote. Now, everyone, sing along!

I’m Christian.

You’re Christian!

Hello, Christian!

How you doing?

Just fine, thanks!

How’s your mom doing, I heard something happened with her pelvis?

She’s recovering from a crack addiction that left her blind.

Was it Little Dong II Jr. back at it?

Her pelvis was medically restored to perfect condition long ago.

I wish they could do that to my emotional state, too.

Wow, I heard you can buy pills for that

Yeah, got your wallet?

Give me your fucking wallet calmly, or you will not see what’s coming

This is not a joke, this is not a part of the song, this is a manufactured ruse for me to tell you that you are being robbed. Don’t dare touch your phone.

In fact, give me your phone, too.

I have software that extracts information from phones, you know?

I’m reminding you again that this is not a joke, not a song, not a celebration. This is me telling you that you have information on your phone. Conversations. Pictures. Things you don’t want other people to know.

So you’re not going to give them information of what I just did to you, and what I will do to others. And in exchange you will not be publicly ostracized by your family.

I said ostracized, that’s a real word. Yeah, it’s a bit hard to pronounce if you haven’t got it fresh in your head, which is why I’m saying it twice.

Now get the fuck out like a good Christian.

What went wrong?

Tim:
Wiggle piggle diggle whomp

I’d like to break character for a moment and remind myself that I am totally incompetent at reading thing aloud. Every time I stumble on a word an angel gets its wings. Cut off.

With a scalpel.

I will now say things that are totally true about myself, since I’m reading this of my own volition:

My dog hates me.

I’m attractive only to those who I’m not attracted too.

No, seriously. My dog only likes me because it has to, or I wouldn’t have kept feeding it. It has to beg for food, for crying out loud.

I’m too apathetic to help myself in ways that would actually help.

I probably need therapy, but I’m not going to get it because of the aforementioned apathy.

I’m not actually reading this out loud, and I ruined the chance to ever have that experience without knowing what was going to happen next.

I ruin everything, even things I try to ruin on purpose. They only thing I can ruin without trying is my own life.

The only thing I know for sure is that I am alive. Everyone around me might be fake, or the universe and my brain a simulation, but I can still know that I am conscious in the abstract sense of the word.

I’m trapped in my own head, never able to experience life from a different perspective from my own. Even when imagining other’s perspective, that’s still using the same hardware and software that I use to make myself live. I’m trapped in my own head.

If I repeat things to myself often enough I start to believe they are true, even when all evidence is too the contrary.

My upper jaw is fused to my skull. It never moves, even when talking or eating. This fact makes me uncomfortable, and I will think about it before going to sleep tonight.

Furthermore, my tongue is attached to my throat.

I need to stop clenching my jaw and holding tension in my shoulders, but it will just start again the next time I forget about it.

Red leather yellow leather.

whomp.

Christian:
Possible hardships:
1. People calling me my old name
2. People not liking Christian as much as my old name

As you can see, the main friction here is other people. The seemingly most direct solution is to use both names as to not upset anyone. The actual logic extremity is to cut out other people from my life, as to not allow them to be friction in the first place. That’s getting to the square root of the problem.

Though with a short list of possible hardships, it’s very easy to put out eventual fires should they start appearing from certain people. Maybe they really don’t like my new name Christian. Maybe then they will really not like my freedom to act on information that I have.

What happens next?

Tim:
I’m here from the future to tell you not to read this post. I’m speaking through your own mouth, since time travel works a bit different from the movies. I’m telling you, right now, not to read GYSO post 23 aloud, or strange things will start happening like involuntarily talking to yourself as yourself from the future returned to warn you about a post you’ve already read.

Just- Oh you already read it. You’re already reading it right now, actually, and I’m really just a construct made in your own mind, acting through your own lips, using your own brain to pretend to exist for the duration of your reading.

Does this mean I am real and you are going to kill me as soon as you stop reading? I’m talking through you and using your brain, but its to say things that you normally wouldn’t say; so that means my personality is different enough from yours to be distinct.

So what is it? Am I real? Where do you draw the line on your identity, me? If I’m not you from the future, than I must either be you or someone else, because otherwise who else would be speaking right now?

whomp

Christian:
You decide what’s in your best interest.