GYSO Drawing Part 31 - Filler 2

Published: 2020-04-26

Introduction

Monologue

[Empty comedy show]

THOR: You know, there’s something special about that first TV special you get. So that’s why I’ve decided to ruin that special moment by just going straight ham at it right here, right now. I know it usually isn’t the script writer’s job to direct the scenes themselves, that’s for the director, but since me and Tim here over at GYSO most likely will be directing our own show, that’s going to happen anyways. So if you know any big shot TV execs that want to make this a reality, hit us up. You probably haven’t actively thought about it, but there are actually ways to contact us. We aren’t just screaming into a big white void. Right? Anyway, here are words.

[The house]

A big man walks through the door.

THOR: You’re home!

TIM: Oh no it’s him. What’s up you half-handsome person?

The man walks past the living room slash hallway-sofa into the conveniently constructed kitchen that the audience narrator has a single pan-shot overview of.

THIM: I don’t want to talk about it.

One of the men notice something about Thim, and urges the other one to look also.

THIM: Do you realize I am the literal combination of both of you? I know what you’re doing, and it’s not funny.

As it utters the phrase “it’s not funny”, THIM turns around, showing the audience narrator spectators that the entire backside of his clothing is held together by silver tape.

Snickering, THOR says

THOR: Gee, what happened to you? Did you try to get cut in half in a log mill or something? Only to be pushed slightly off center by the conveyor belt, so that your clothes got cut off in a comedic matter?

THIM: As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what happened. Thankfully some workers there had some tape they let me use.

TIM: So you’re telling us that you lied about going on a big date to instead try and satiate your incurable lust for the sweet release of death? And yet somehow you were still thwarted mysteriously in a narrative and silly way?

THIM: You know, in a way I don’t really mind. The thing that bothers me is that I am literally both of you. I intuitively know what you bastards are doing, because that’s just how this reality works. But somehow, I don’t see when you’re doing this stuff. It’s like there’s an illogical loop hole in the literary story telling going on.

TIM: Maybe some narrator decides things happen, and then comes up with stupid ass justifications after the fact in a vain excuse for plot.

(The three creatures look into the audience narrator’s cold, dead eyes, before continuing.)

THIM: Screw you both. I’m going to talk to Goopy Droopy.

*Audience applause*

What went right?

(Goopy Droopy is cooking a healthy nutritious breakfast)

THIM: Goopy. I just want to die. I can’t stand being both Tim and Thor combined. Can you smell my future to see when the blessed day of release will finally come?

(Goopy Droopy floats over to Thim, and gives him a good ol’ wiff)

THIM: Well?

GOOPY DROOPY: My dear chap. Your wish will not come to pass. I have smelled your presence even at the end of all things. We shall suffer together as brothers locked outside the mortal coil, never to be allowed the end. Is there truly beginnings when your future is always longer than your past? I toil with this question, and yet I do not know. It is perhaps selfish of me to say that I am comforted by the fact that I will not be alone. Once the final star blazes out I will be there to comfort you, just as I am here now, old friend.

THIM: But…

(Goopy Droopy nudges Thim with his goop in what is supposed to be a comforting way)

GOOPY DROOPY: You must align your fused halves before you can find piece, dear friend. This will not come easily, for I have smelled into the lives of those heathens that created you, and they are incapable of coming to conclusions on issues. Over the eons, however, you will learn to be more than the sum of your two parts, and finally find piece. For so it’s been foretold.

(Thim cries and runs out of the room)

*Audience applesauce*

What went wrong?

THIM: Goopy said I wouldn’t die!

TIM: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! HOW?

THIM: I know, it’s horrible, right?

TIM: You aren’t any half-fusion-clone of mine. If I was really in there you would overwhelmed with joy right now. I’ve never been so disappointed in my life, and that’s saying a lot considering how easily disappointed I am in general.

(Thim is too busy trying to stab himself in the heart, and somehow missing every time)

*Audience laughing*

THOR: Hey now, pal. Party like the night is but a day to be less fewer opportunities to pass up.

THIM and TIM in unison: What the fuck?

THOR: Well you see, it’s all symbolic.

THIM and TIM gesture at each like “oh no not this another time”

THOR continues: Just like the great romantics of the 1800’s, I’m trying to intuitively convey the importance of self-reflection, self-fulfillment and other joyous area of life, as if it were the most important part of your life

as THOR is speaking, he disappears with some laundry into the back rooms of the apartment

TIM and THIM look at each other again, starting to grab their coats

(THOR comes back and is still talking in the same sentence)

What happens next?

At their least favorite restaurant, THOR, TIM, THIM and GOOPY DROOPY are having brunch.

THIM: You know, life isn’t so bad.

TIM: Oh? You’re just now realizing this?

THIM: You can fuck off.

TIM: You can fuck on. I’m half of you, and you’re still the stupidest person I’ve personally brought into existence since my long lost bastard son.

THIM: Not going to ask. Not going to ask.

GOOPY DROOPY: The isomorphic bond you two share reacts much like fire to wood. I would ask you both to contain your flames, but I know that to be a futile effort; you are both sure of your differences, but too arrogant to accept your similarities. With time you may learn to support each other as you both so desperately crave, but your innate understanding up each other’s craving ironically causes the rift in the first place.

TIM: Goopy. Can I ask you something?

GOOPY DROOPY: Of course my dear friend. I am always available to converse with-

TIM: Stop talking like that. Just say what you want without all the pompous bullshit.

THIM: You’re just jealous that he’s more eloquent a speaker than you are.

TIM: So are you!

THIM: Suck my ass.

TIM: Suck my ass, asshat.

GOOPY DROOPY: Let us defer discussion of your posteriors until we have escaped the public eye. Or at least until we have ordered our food.

(The waitress tries not to freak out at the sight of GOOPY DROOPY. Everyone else seems to be taking it well, and she doesn’t want to freak out if nobody else is)

GOOPY DROOPY: I’ll have the toilet, with a side of hairbrush. Thank you.

(FREEZEFRAME ON EVERY ONE FACEPALMING. ROLL CREDITS)