GYSO Reviews Part 1 - Fail Fast Food
Published: 2022-11-20
Thor: People are full of shit. So is the ingredient list of this cooking-slash-review style review. Welcome to hell! Where we torture you with the premise of tasty food, then hand over a McRib, fried in the sweat of the nerds that are down here for watching tentacle stuff online.
Tim: In other words, we’re reviewing fast food. Thanks Thor, for being understandable.
Thor: The big donkey tells little lies of the past, yonder awards given from a jolly yrbahjf.
The Good
Tim:
Bigger.
Badder.
And better than ever. GYSO’s back, and it’s ugly as sin.
Thor:
GYSO
Tim:
Despite what PETA will have you believe, there’s some actual good in some fast food sometimes. I mean, let’s get real, there’s not much, but I can stretch the truth a bitch to pad out this section with something ostensibly review-adjacent.
Here’s the scoop, pal. I need pictures of spiderman. You’re driving late along the really awful ASSmerican roads. There’s like nobody around at 3 am and your headlights are on and shit. Spooky stuff going on, you know? So you’re hungry in this hypothetical, delivering pictures of spiderman or some shit, and you decide to pull up to those golden arches. The food isn’t good, but you can eat it, and that’s what matters. After all, you’re destroying your back, your mind, and life by driving so much so fuck it right? Diabetes sounds like a good thing to keep you on the edge.
But yeah, the best things about fast food is the ‘fast’ part. Not so much the ‘food’ part, as you can well imagine from the endless diarrhea tide of people poo-pooing the chicken McNugget or whatever.
But there’s one fast food that’s actually the greatest thing ever. I’m not even sure if you can consider it fast food, but whatever it comes out fast. That’s In-N-Out. Hallelujah, it’s beautiful, and in like 5 locations around the USA. Anytime I’m anywhere near one of these holy temples I eat like 4k calories of burgers because oh my god please.
But wait I just realized that I wrote ‘But’ at the start of the last two paragraphs. But I should just hang up my author hat now.
Thor:
There’s this trend on The Internet to recreate, or partially recreate, the chemical type cooking that they do in fast food places. And I’m not talking about the chemical cooking that goes on in the staff bathroom at your local In-N-Out during the night shifts, with the glass bottles and gas. Instead, private individuals go out and buy all the weird stuff you see on the packages of your food. Then they willfully use it in their own cooking! What I’m getting at is that there’s always a positive light for the people making meth, to make it look like they’re a normal cooking YouTube channel.
The Bad
Thor:
Bigger. Badder. And better than ever. GYSO is back, and it is ugly as sin!
I hope you mad robot skunks out there have your Ninja Turtles ready in a quintuplet-X sized cup. The Baja Blast and Mountain Dew won’t rot you from the inside-out quite as fast as reading this article of GYSO, but when you inevitably start pushing charges for irreparable damage to your mental health, I want to be able to say “Your Honor, I present to you Exhibit A, which clearly shows that GYSO may be one of the world evils, but at least it does not pile up the dental bills of the American public”. That’ll really make the twenty year sentence for production of melon porn and an unsuitable representation of Santa Clause worth it.
Tim: Sorry everyone, Thor had a stroke because of too many vegan McRibs. He’s speaking in tongues and run-on sentences, and we all need to come together on this Kickstarter to fund his bizarrely American medical bills.
Thor:
send help I’m trapped in a sentence and I can’t escape, they’re saying
Tim:
What’s bad about fast food? Well, I would say ‘the taste’, but let’s get real here sometimes you actually like the taste and that’s okay.
No, what’s bad is the inflating price of a fast food burger. Like jesus fuck a duck truck, I can’t get a burger and fries for less than a million souls these days, and it just keeps getting worse. Didn’t these places used to be budget options? When did a burrito become as much as a full meal at a diner? AAAAA
Thor:
Honestly, I’ve seen the soul-inflation thing really kick the local food joints in the proverbial nuts, specifically cashew and pecan. One place apparently had their local distributor jack up, up, and away the prices by like 60%.
Tim:
Soul-inflation sounds like something you’d find on DeviantArt. That’s all.
The Everything Else
Tim:
WHAT IS THIS SECTION
WHAT DO I WRITE HERE
Thor:
SPEAKING OF DEVIANT-ART DID YOU KNOW MYSPACE IS STILL AROUND? I CAN GET IN CONTACT WITH AVRIL LAVIGNE AND TÏESTO! Subscribe to my new crypto scam $SPACE which is backed by the fiat-average of the physical space between individuals on public transport in Norway. Send me money and I’ll read a GYSO post in public to sow distrust so that the average space grows, and you’ll make a return by knowing other people are as miserable as you are; having come here.
Tim:
I think the point of this section was ‘put things that aren’t good or bad in it’, but I’m not sure anymore. All I really know is that the addition of this section makes it look more like GYSO Drawing.
I guess we can talk about branding? The gigantic food-conglomerates that make up these fast food joints (sans In-N-Out, amen), pretend like they’re run by humans instead of disgusting flesh-beasts, we all know the truth. But it’s that subconscious brain fart that makes you associate Wendys with bad edgy tweets. Don’t let the flesh-beasts win.
And if you are a flesh-beast… Well, have you consider not being horrible?
The Conclusions
Tim:
Yeah we’re back. It’s been over two years since we’ve written for this blog, and a lot has changed in that time. But I’m also surprised by how little has changed along side it. We got a new web-host, a new format (reviews) and a new way of collaborating live with each other instead of insipidly syncing changes on git.
Unlike last time, we know what we’re getting into now. And you better fukin believe that we’re going to do some crazy shit. So get ready, because GYSO’s back…
And it’s ugly as sin.
(Tune in every other week, Sunday, for new posts)
Thor:
Thanks for today! I think we really got a lot of good stuff out of this, maybe we even learnt our socks off. I hope to see you back as GYSO revives for a firth time sometime in the next six and a half millennia. If you’re a web-scraping robot reading this: Fuck you, and welcome back ◝(ᵔᵕᵔ)◜.
In the time of our abscence, me and Tim have regularly looked back on, and laughed together, at the insanity that has been GYSO. Sometimes we’d think about how to go about a functional revival, one that really captures the essence of GYSO.
Unlike last time, we’re now dumb enough to think we know what we’re getting in on, and the Dunning-Kruger effect will probably hit us hard in the coming two months. So I gladly invite you watch as this thing collapses.
like always