GYSO Reviews Part 16 - Our Finances

Published: 2023-06-18

Thor: I’m not going to lie to you. We’re in debt.

Tim: We’re so deep in the red it’s practically our time of the month.

Thor: Except it’s been going on since 2013. Which is strange, considering how long this blog has been around. But let’s not ask the obvious questions. Instead, let’s look on the bright side of life, and have a meeting with our accountant that will help us get through this.

Tim: Without further ado, and with as much procrastination as we could both manage because fuck meeting accountants like god damn, I introduce you to… Snag’darr, the accountant dragon!

Snag’darr: Thanks for finally showing up. Your finances are a mess, but we can get through this together.

The Good

Snag’darr: So let’s start with what you did right… Which isn’t a lot, if I’m being totally honest.

Thor: Speaking of what went right, this office is really nice.

THOR shifts his position on the organic hemp mat he’s sitting on.

TIM shifts his position on the organic hemp bean bag chair he’s sitting on.

The room is enormous, so as to fit Snag’darr’s fat dragon ass.

Snag’darr: As per our agreement, the bean bag chair was brought in just for you, Tim. Now if you’d please look at the chart to your left.

THE CHART screams and bursts into flames at having so much sudden attention put onto it.

Snag’darr: Now please look to the chart to your right.

THE CHART TO THE RIGHT shows a line going down. Nothing else. It’s basically a modern art masterpiece.

Thor: Gee. Is it that bad, chief?

Tim: Whee! Is it that bad, chef?

SNAG’DARR is finishing his omelet on a portable stove that he has next to his desk.

Snag’darr: It’s fine, actually. This is my mid-day day-mid The Third snack to keep my metabolism in check. Could use a bit more salt, though.

SNAG’DARR munches.

Snag’darr: Could you please describe to me what “KENYAN GHOST W” is on the ledger from 2019? The tax and human rights agencies wanted to know.

Tim: Oh that’s our Kenyan Ghost W.

Thor: Shit, they combined the tax and the human rights agencies? We’re fucked.

Tim: They needed to, after that Thim thing. Remember? How do you tax two people who fused, after all?

Snag’darr: The people in suits were perfectly clear to me that if you were unclear to me, we would have to secretly record these meetings to use as potential evidence against your case.

Thor: Well, in that case…

Tim: Wait. If this is what we did right, what the fuck did we do wrong? That’s gonna be some shit.

Snag’darr: We will get to that…

SNAG’DARR makes a note to call the police at the end of the meeting. He adjusts his flannel.

Snag’darr: Now, I’m to believe that you have claimed literally zero income for the last four years. Is that correct?

THOR and TIM nod in a single, unified, motion. TIM’s neck pops in an really unhealthy way because of his bad posture.

Snag’darr: Yet the blog’s expenses are… unimaginable. Though not literally, given it’s something that you two literally make up.

Tim: Damn it Thor, did you buy the entire state of Kenya again?

SNAG’DARR chokes on his sparkling carbonated water.

Snag’darr: Is that what Kenyan Ghost W is??

Thor: Well, if we would have gotten it for that price, that would have been nice… Unfortunately for us, that money just payed for one guy to ghost write one of our posts. Honestly, you could have figured that out if you read the later parts of GYSO Drawing meta-referencing that fact.

Snag’darr: I’m going to retire after this. Burn down some villages or something. Fuckin’ hell.

Excitement lights up SNAG’DARR’s face, as his mustache twinkles and his eyes curl.

Snag’darr: Gentlemen. I’ve changed my mind. This is not something you did right.

Tim: Coulda spoiled the surprise, chucklefuck.

Snag’darr: WHAT did you just call me?

Tim: You heard me.

The Bad

Some time later… After a visit to the burn ward.

Thor: Anyways let me tell you about the kid we hired in the back alley off-the-books.

Snag’darr: Heaven save me please.

Thor: AND THIS BLOG’S SPONSOR: SKILLSPACE BOX, THE ON-LINE PLATFORM, DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR DOOR, WHERE YOU PAY TO LEARN HOW TO GET YOUR SKILLS …

THOR is interrupted

Snag’darr: And let me guess, you haven’t claimed the income from this sponsor either.

Thor: Your guess, drum roll please…

TIM mumbles behind his mummified bandaged body.

Thor: Is…

Snag’darr: Holy shit, just give me a clear answer.

TIM speaks clearly enough to be understood, but not clearly enough to be written. Lmao.

Snag’darr: Alright. That makes sense. Now let’s talk about Uruguay.

TIM struggles out of his bandages manages to scream. It’s like the sound of a thousand dread beasts bursting out of a thousand radiators radiating radiation.

Tim: AAAAAAAAAIIII’M BACK! Thanks to the healing powers of magical bullshit my burns from your dragon breath have healed!

TIM is, in fact, still completly covered in burns.

Snag’darr: We have accomplished nothing in this meeting. It’s been three days. Thor, do you really need your emacs subscription? We could, at the very least, cancel that to get some heat off us.

Thor: Go ahead. Just write a letter to the GNU/Linux kernel maintainers stating I wish to cancel. Don’t specify what specifically, though.

Tim: Watch them just cancel the Linux kernel itself. “Oh no Thor told us to cancel, let’s pack it up bois.”

A printed image of LINUS TORVALDS in his office floats in the air, coming in through an open window, and leaving the same way it came.

Tim: I always wondered what true fear felt like before today.

SNAG’DARR adjusts his beret, meanwhile wiping away the single bead of sweat forming on his forehead.

The Everything Else

Snag’darr: Alright. Let’s talk about your biggest expenses and we’ll see what we can do.

Tim: I will not stop buying macaroni.

Snag’darr: But you will stop buying it in bulk with the company credit card.

Tim: WE HAVE A COMPANY CREDIT CARD????? I thought that was a magical piece of macaroni plastic. Never bothered to try it on anything else. In hindsight, it makes sense. I mean, if you thought you had a super power to get macaroni you would use it all the time too.

THOR does the “oh shit” face.

Snag’darr: You will also stop paychecks to The, who by all accounts, is deceased.

Tim: No you got it all wrong. He’s diseased. With death. But still.

Snag’darr: If it’s not a person that’s actively working for you, you can’t just pay them money however you please.

Tim: He’s workin dat ass for me if you catch my drift. Like a fukin’ dump truck.

THOR stands up and does not very attractive side-to-side bouts with his hips while spinning around, lightly biting his lips and doing that thing where your eyebrows raise in a seductive way. His hands are raised to his elbow, hands in a fist.

Snag’darr: I’m going to throw up. Dragons can’t even do that, and yet you two continue to prove the impossible. I would be impressed if I could feel anything at all at this point.

Thor: That’s just the dance of my people. How dare you disrespect me?

Snag’darr: Sure. Did you claim it on your expenses, however? Because you just cost me 30 seconds I’ll never get back.

Thor: Always have been.

Snag’darr: That doesn’t even make sense.

Tim: Like always.

like always

Snag’darr: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Totally not a narrator character.

Snag’darr: PLEASE NO MORE I GIVE UP YOUR TAXES ARE PERFECT OKAY?!?

The Conclusions

Some time later, after having cooled down with chai tea…

Snag’darr: Now… About my payment.

Thor: Ah yes. As our accountant, you know how much we pay for the medical “upkeep” of both Thim and Goopy Droopy.

Snag’darr: I don’t see how that has to do with anything, but from what I gather you don’t pay them anything. Or anything else that’s associated to them.

SNAG’DARR pauses.

Snag’darr: Okay, I see how that has to do with anything.

Tim: Listen. I’ve got this pizza. Is that enough? Most American companies think it is. 1 Pizza = 15% raise. It’s the law of equivalent exchange.

Snag’darr: I don’t know why I agreed to do this. I’m a dragon. I should live a better life.

SNAG’DARR looks contemplatively at his red flannel shirt.

Snag’darr: You know what? Fuck it. I’m young. I don’t want to live like this any more. To hell with numbers and math and interest rates! To hell with sitting at a desk! And most of all, to hell with you fucking psychotic maniacs!

Thor: You go, man! What happens next?

SNAG’DARR goes off to become a lawyer.

THE END! :D