GYSO Reviews Part 26 - Intervention

Published: 2023-11-05

Thor: Yo. Welcome to this episode of GYSO Reviews. We’re actually - like, literally - dodging bullets over here.

THOR blows out the single candle on the cake that says GYSO REVIEWS.

TIM calmly walks over to the fridge and takes out a package of orange juice. Lightly shaking the carton, he realizes it won’t be enough for his glass and takes another un-opened package with him while he closes the refridgerator door with the left side of his hip.

BIG ERECTUS BABE takes a hand grenade out of his holster, does whatever it is you do with a grenade, and tosses it into the kitchen.

Having both hands occupied, TIM sets down both the cartons on the counter as he opens the cupboard to get his favorite glass. Without flinching, TIM heel kicks the grenade coming in through the kitchen door, bouncing it off of the whiteboard noted with the numerous chores that haven’t been checked off for, let’s see … four months.

THIM throws his body over the grenade, but not in the cool “sacrifice for the greater good” type of movie cliché. Instead, he eats the grenade.

THOR cartwheels into the room. His cartwheel rolls around in a circle like a coin rolled on its side, and it does that annoying thing where it wiggles around on one of its faces and settles to the ground. That. He does that, never stopping the cartwheel for anything, including the grenade.

Tim: Heyo Thim how is it going bro?

THIM’s stomach explodes and heals instantly, because he cononically can’t ever die. Good luck acting that one out asshats.

TIM is starting to believe when he matrix dodges, like, a dozen bullets coming out of the open window in the ass-end of fall, because he needed some fresh air and damned be the heating in the house.

(TIM is still in the kitchen trying to fill his hip flask with orange juice)

HENRY, Lord of Acid, and the Ruler of Seven Pens, rests on the window sill and shivers.

The Good

THE ELFS, through mysterious circumstances, end up as snowmen in THOR and TIM’s front lawn. Because remember that they have a mansion, with like a whole front lawn like they’re important or something.

Don’t worry about context, there was a section skip so we can just jump to the elf thing without explaining. Just know that they’re just standing there, watching what’s about to happen.

Thor: You call this an intervention?

Tim: Wait, this is an intervention? Last time I staged one of them you were enjoying a fun game of Terraria.

Debra: We’re very worried about you two at work.

Thor: YOU are worried about US? Working at OUR blog?

Thim: Don’t get cocky, punk. And yeah we’re worried about you. Your characters are stale and keep doing the same things. This blog hasn’t done anything interesting in the last billion years.

Debra: You can’t even come up with decent characters anymore. One was literrally called “Neighbour” and never did anything to deserve it’s puny existance.

Thim: God damn it Debra, I will shit on your desk again. Don’t tempt, ME?

Red laser dots, maybe fifteen or twenty each, appear all across TIM and THOR’s face and body.

Thor: One of the things I’ve always appreciated about you Tim, is that you’ve adhered to the ISO 8601 standards for dates, times and (recurring) time intervals.

Tim: Thanks man, it’s a lot easier for computers to sort, you know?

The bean-bag sofa that TIM and THOR are seated in envelops them, swallowing the spray of bullets, letting them fall to the floor in a hot noise.

There’s a knock on where the front door used to be. Well, not exactly where the door used to be since it’s not there. But rather on the door frame. Three sturdy knocks disturb the intervention.

Sven: Yeah, hi. I’m Sven, Master Director in Chief Secretary.

Tim: Goodbye, Sven.

OMINOUS NOISE VROOOOOM

(The ominose noise is a vaccum cleaner going on it’s own in another room)

Then SVEN ceases to exist as a character.

Albert: NOOOOO! My secretary!

THIM facepalms.

Thim: Could you guys please just sit down and talk to us. We’re trying to help. With guns, granted, but it’s for your own good I swear.

Thor: Yeah, hi. Why would you do THAT? Maybe one of us had interesting ideas for Sven!

BIG ERECTUS BABE wields a katana the length of a grand piano, seating it onto the back necks of TIM and THOR

Big Erectus Babe: Inside your are two wolves. One is a wolf, the other is a wolf. Also we’re really concerned about GYSO stagnating. Stop being boring.

Tim: UwU. What are you doing with that sword big brother?

Thor: Whatever. Let me ask the only question that needs to be answered right now: WHY ARE ALL OF YOU HERE?

The Bad

Albert: I’ve gathered all of you here today to make an attempt at furthering the world. We knew that some losses would be sustained, and we will mourn the loss of Sven today. Though this does only commit–

Tim: Literally nobody cares. It’s cannon.

Albert: You’re absolutly right. Fuck that guy.

Thor: You don’t have to say that just to win Tim over! He might have been a great characer if someone had not caused him to cease existing ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)

Tim: Well excuse me for not wanting to juggle even more plot threads.

Thim: You both suck.

Tim: Then what does that make you?

Thim: We’re ending both of your plot threads today.

Thor: I think we left plot threads the size of your gaping anus Urgapinganus back in GYSO Drawing.

Tim: Is this some early retirement thing?

BIG ERECTUS BABE strengthens his grip on his sword ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

The Everything Else

Thor: I think there’s a discussion to be had here about how whoever’s writing this is, well, writing this. Their own attempted murder?

I agree, has anyone considered what will happen when the blog stops being written?

Thor: See! The totally-not-a-narrator character agrees!

(the totally-not-a-narrator character sounds like a person doing a really bad impression of a ghost in the 1880s)

I’m not really feeling this whole thing about the blog ending.

Suddenly, the wall behind TIM and THOR crashes into the meeting as SNAG’DARR arrives. BIG ERECTUS BABE stumbles into safety, dropping his sword.

TIM and THOR stand up calmly as poison blow darts turn into bubblegum bubbles in the air around them.

Snag’darr: RAWR YOU HAVEN’T FILED THIS YEAR’S TAXES.

SNAG’DARR fires his lazor his flame breath at them in the name of the IRS, but he misses because I said so.

Thor: That’s an ancient meme from The Old Ages btw. Good one.

Tim: Thanks. Shoop da whoop.

Remember Scumbag Steve?

Thor: Yeah, and that’s such a Karen thing to do, picking a random name and associating it with “Scumbag” for everyone else.

Big Erectus Babe: So the blog will end when we kill these guys?

BIG ERECTUS BABE is panting heavily.

GOOPY DROOPY floats in. Cue audience clapping.

audience clapping

Thanks.

Goopy Droopy: My good friend Big Erectus Babe. How goes the new religion? Ah, but never mind that. The blog will not end, this I have smelled. There’s a clear line of succession for the blog, and only one man can take it over.

Everyone looks at THIM.

Thim: Nope. Nope nope nope.

THIM takes one of BIG ERECTUS BABES’ swords and fucking chops Debra in half.

Thim: That’s for letting me shit on your desk. I don’t care if Goopy is always right, I’m going to stop all of you! The day I write for this dumb blog is the last day I live.

THIM screams, but hurts his vocal chords because he has poor technique. He doesn’t know how to engage his diapghram correctly. Mad lad actually breaths from his chest.

Anyways…

BIG ERECTUS BABE throws shurikens at TIM and THOR. They both spot a ten dollar bill on the ground and bend over ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) to pick it up, shurikens missing them in the process.

Big Erectus Babe: (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

ALBERT runs out of the house, yelling something into a walkie-talkie

The other rooms start exploding, one by one. In the sky there are men falling with black parachutes, covering the sky.

THIM takes his nerf gun and shoots himself with it. This does nothing, obviuosly. But now he has a Nerf Dart (tm) stuck to his head. Instead, he grabs all the forks from the kitchen utensil box, which has conveniently exploded into a position right next to him. He uses them to fan out the fires. What a feat of strength. Good job, man.

Thim: If you’re going to survive, you need to get shelter!

Tim: nah.

Thor: When did you start caring about us?! Don’t you remember we tortured you for … some reason I can’t remember?

Thim: When you became convient to stop me from writing this shitty blog!

SNAG’DARR breathes fire over the three. It’s still innefective because I said so.

HENRY is sitting still, by the last window sill still intact in the mansion, though he has some glass splinters in his soil. He bides his time.

THIM shelters the two with his body. It doesn’t work that well on account of TIM’S giant ass. Like god damn brother, do you make a beeping sound when you walk backwards? Fuck.

Thim: screaming ARE YOU TWO ALL RIGHT?

Sirens are blaring in the distance

Thor: l i k e a l w a y s

Tim: nah.

Thim: Now’s not the time for obscure internal references!

Tim: It’s all down here from hill. Seeping into the very fabric of your pantaloons.

THIM grabs a gas mask that is conveniently fell next to THORS’ face, it fell out of SNAG’DARRS’ obligatory fire safety equipment. In the process, he accidentally snaps THORS’ neck.

In agony, THOR says

Thor: Can you get your skills on? I forgot mine at home.

oops lmao

The Conclusions

Thim: God damn it. Half down, but you’ll do just fine.

Tim: Dman it. Let me get the red ink and fire. I’ll ressurect him again. Again… This is a distrubing trend, now that I think on it.

THIM grabs TIM over the shoulder and starts running towards the basement entrance

Thim: Alright motherfuckers, you don’t even know how to kill one of the main characters, he’s been resurrected many times befo–

Tim: What a gamer. We should all aspire to prespire to aspire to lunch.

Rushing down the basement stairs, they collapse. THIM and TIM fall.

After the dust settles, THIM slowly adjusts to the dark, to see TIM impaled by five really spiky planks, filled with spikes and nails and stuff sticking out. It’s like I Wanna be the Guy in here, except there’s no redo. THIM accidentally lands in a king size beanbag chair filled with organic hemp beans. A laptop falls from the heavens into his lap, and it’s opened to his favorite text editor.

TIM utters his final words

Tim: lol. lmao, even.

And then he dies. Like for real. Well, not for real for real, but canonically. GYSO won’t have these characters any more. Really. It’s over. THIM is in charge.

THIM cries and starts writing reviews post 27.

The sirens in the background turn to silence, the only sounds remaining are those of rotting corpses and the half-burning mansion.

BIG ERECTUS BABE goes into the mountains to train his obviously lacking ninja skills.

GOOPY DROOPY smiles.

The dies.

HENRY discreetly sends a message to his true master, Melon Musk.

The end.

(for now)