GYSO Reviews Part 29 - Their Funeral

Published: 2023-12-17

Tim and Thor are dead, and Nature is healing. The modest bust but sturdy organic hemp beanbag chairs in the church are slick with the tears of Tim and Thor’s loved ones. Maybe in an alternate universe anyway, in this one everyone is just kind of sad and apathetic but no one cares very much. Like half the crowd is web scraping robots. The older people are more annoyed at having to sit in beanbag chairs.

The service was simple. In the open and slightly breezing summer day, a flugelhorn played a surpirsingly good version of the GYSO rap song from Drawing part 36.

The service was simple ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). In the open and slightly breezing summer day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), a flugelhorn ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) played a surprisingly good version of the GYSO rap song ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) from Drawing part 36.

Goopy Droopy: I personally fulfilled Thor’s wish of smelling like Avril Lavigne’s Forbidden Rose. I also exposed his tax fraud earlier this year. Though I am not certain if this was his attempt at trying to live forever, or if he understood that it would be his dead body that would be showered and scented with perfume and government money for the first time in what smells like forever. And trust me, I know what forever smells like.

Albert, master of dance: I fulfilled Tim’s wish of being buried in pepperoni.

(The birds and wild animals are swarming Tim’s grave, trying to get at the pepperoni. More pepperoni is continually added to replenish what is lost. His gravestone says ‘Tim – Rest In Pepperoni’. Thor’s says his date of birth and death)

(There was an actual for real fund made by Tim, in secret, to pay for more pepperoni to be added for at least a hundred years.)

(It smells.)

Meanwhile, Thor’s body, covered with chains and literal garden hoes is weighing down the Venezuelan Bolívares he is being buried in. Turns out it was the cheapest way to bury him in whatever currency is commonly accepted in the GYSO universe. Also, his gold chain necklace is full of chocolate. Of course, when the orginal GYSO boys bought into VEF, they thought it would multiply their wealth. They were very, very wrong. But they sure had big numbers on their bank accounts, and that’s what really mattered in the end to them.

Goopy Droopy: Ladies and gentlemen, for I am not a particularly eloquent speaker, I shall keep this open monologue brief. Dumba rumba stoopid toopid. Thank you. Open bar is in the gazebo, paid for by our government sponsor, Albert.

The mood lightens as the extended families of Tim and Thor occasionally give off a loud and intense laughter, as each story gets crazier and crazier to recount. At the bar, Albert, Goopy Droopy, Snag’darr, Thim, and Thim’s fifth bottle of vodka, and Albert are sharing a moment. That moment being talking.

Albert: Is it true that they possessed a great power in this universe?

Thim: Them? nahhh. They ain’t got no shit lmao. Whoooo more vodka! Yeah! Fuck my liver!

Snag’darr, who has a really long loopy straw going to his mouth, gives off a sigh. The entire room shakes and the draft brings with it every table, chair, and cloth not properly weighted down, to the floor.

Snag’darr: Those two fucking hipsters wouldn’t know how to use it, even if they did, no matter what that power would give them.

Thim: Eh, Tim would have done something stupid with it like become immortal, then go back to shit talking the robots.

Albert: Maybe he would have done something that would limit the usefulness of the power as a mistake?

Snag’darr: You mean besides being Tim or Thor?

Albert: Hey, people might surprise you if you give them the chance.

Thim calls for a sixth bottle of vodka.

Albert: (pointing at Thim) Like that guy.

Thim: You can go fuck yourself, Albert.

Goopy Droopy: Alright gentlemen, I must insist that this conversation is dragging on for what feels like the entirety of a moon’s crescent cycle.

Thim: Anything any of you guys want in reviews post 29? I’m writing it right now.

(He is, there’s a pen and notepad in his left hand)

The earth shakes lightly as Snag’darr’s tail wags even though it’s really far away, because it’s enormous and Snag’darr is getting really eed.xcited.

Snag’darr: Can you tell people that my lawyer practice is finally being started? Tell them that they can go to Snag’darr Consulting for their legal needs.

Thim: Sure sure whatever man. The robot’s will love that, prepare your email spam filters. Or don’t. I’m too drunk to care.

Snag’darr: I left my phone number on there, do you think that’s a good idea?

(No one is thinking that’s a good idea)

(Snag’darr’s phone number is–)

Thim: Damn it, Albert! Give me my pen back!

Albert: It is back though? You’re still writing.

…

???

Thim: Okay, that’s weird, right?

Goopy Droopy: Most certainly, though that does depend on how you construe your radical reality as a matter of perspective.

Everyone, in unison: … what?

Goopy Droopy: No matter. Do not concern yourself with this, Albert, how is work?

Albert: Too much federal acid. We’re going to have to dump it in Kenya’s lakes again. The unions are getting involved now and everything, it’s all a big mess since that whole thing in Urugay. Not a lot of time for pasttime activities, and I can tell it’s really putting a strain on my relationship with my wife.

Thim: Right of course, the southern erection. How could anyone forget.

Everyone shivers.

Albert: Speaking of which, I’ve promised to run some errands for her, so I’m going to have to get going. It’s been really good seeing all of you somewhere that’s not practically a warzone.

Snag’darr: Yeah, we really should do this more often. (tail wagging)

Goopy Droopy: Farewell for now, friend.

Thim: Good riddance you acid-spitting, bald, robot, pavlovian skunk, bald, government drone. Why did you say ‘(tail wagging)’ Snag’darr?

Snag’darr: What?

Thim: What? You know what, no. I’m done writing this post. This blog sucks lmao.

*Laugh track. Applause. Blackout. End of scene.*

Thim: AHH WHAT THE FUCK! WHY DID IT ACTUALLY DO IT!

(Henry rustles)