GYSO Reviews Part 30 - Stories From the Bus

Published: 2024-01-13

A man and a lady are shouting at Snag’darr, who is calmly sitting on top of four commuter buses.

Snag’darr: I’m sorry, okay, the City won’t let me do anything else! Besides, I’m paying my fare just like everyone else is!

You see, when Snag’Darr had been at law school, a fellow student had reflected at just how unfair it is that Snag’darr can fly and everyone else can’t. They mentioned something about human rights and equality in their appeal to City Council. Something about that “equality” seemed really persuasive, so they banned Snag’Darr from flying to and from school, like he had been doing previously.

You might say, “hey, they didn’t ban him for intruding on City air space?” And the answer is “no”. Snag’darr is an adult dragon that knows how to use a phone to ask the air traffic controller for permission first. He even has a flight license, and boy let me tell you, that was pretty difficult to get when your whole body is the plane. He and a couple of the controller people are on a first name basis, sometimes they go out for lunch. More rarely now that he never gets to talk to them, though.

Snag’darr: Hey ma’am, look, it’s not about you, or when your meeting starts, we’re all on the same clock here, don’t you think I have someplace better to be than doing this with you? Get on the bus or get walkin’!

Problem is, you can’t just have a goddamned dragon rushing down either the sidewalk or the main roads. At least, that’s what the university thought, they really pride themselves on their accessibility and so it was very important to them that Snag’darr, their only dragon student, made it to campus safely. There was a lot of money and exposure to be had.

Bus Driver: Hey, what’cha big guy kinda like Large Dragon Thing, whaddya ‘hink you doin’?

Snag’darr: Have you literally not heard of me? My voice is like, twenty times louder than yours, even at a whisper. You’re driving one of the four buses I’m legally obligated to sit on to get around this damn city, how have you not been informed that there’s going to be a literal dragon on the roof of your bus?!

Bus Driver: Me don’t like ‘e sound of you tone, Large Guy. It’s me ’irst day on the job, see? Just askin’.

Funny thing is, once the university and City banded together to get a military escort to slowly move Snag’darr through the city, the same student that cut his proverbial wings decided to file a motion on the case of discrimination, since he wasn’t allowed on public transport. The City thought it would be impossible to organize, and it all ended up as one big mess in the highest eschelon of law. They ruled that the City had to provide equal access to public transport, even for their one dragon resident, who lived outside of town, and could literally fly anywhere he needed. The City councilmen went home that night and slapped their palms against their foreheads as they whispered “equality”.

Snag’darr: Hey little girl, best way to remove gum from your hair is by using soda mixed with cinnammon.

Girl: Th- Thanks? Who’s talking? Are you on top of the bu–?

Snag’darr: Faster way, though, is for me to just burn it off for you.

Girl: (screaming)

Snag’darr: Not in a creepy way! (faster) Not in a creepy way!

Girl: (spraying pepper spray wildly and incoherently) (everyone is screaming now) (it hit literally everyone but Snag’darr)

So for the last years of law school, Snag’darr had to kind of stand, kind of half-sit, like you know how cats do when they’re perching - Perching! That’s it, that’s what it’s called. And since Snag’darr is a dragon, he gets a lot of attention, some good, some bad. He also listens to every conversation that he can catch in between the roaring city traffic, pneumatic systems on the buses, the bus drivers flipping each other off as they are trying to coordinate their driving, and people on the street simply yelling at him. Of course, if you were to ask him, he’d say he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. A little bit of denial goes a long way, Snag’darr, keep up the good fight.

One day a year, Snag’darr becomes the center of attention, but in a positive way.

You see, the people of the City liek mudkips their parades, and so one day a year they decide to treat Snag’darr’s cringe-worthy procession as a parade instead of an abomination of legislation and complacency.

Snag’darr, of course, doesn’t know this. So once a year he gets pelted with candy and streamers and cheering babies. He doesn’t get to enjoy it on account of abject confusion. Nobody explains it to him, especially not the bus driver, who continues to yell at him except with more smiles.

Snag’darr considers going home and never coming back on days like these. Keep trucking, Snag’darr! You can do it! Hang in there!

If you’re a human, getting your face implanted on a concrete road hurts a lot. Imagine the City’s surprise when they found a crack along the usual Snag’darr commute in the shape of a Snag’darr jaw.

Police: Alright, Snag’darr, do you have any idea about what might have happened here?

Snag’darr does that shifty-eyes look that you do if you know something.

Snag’darr: I want to talk to my lawyer.

Police: You are a laywer.

Snag’darr: Noooooooooooo (kind of whispered, in a rising tone, windows shake, car alarms blare, someone shits on Debra’s desk)

Short pause.

Snag’darr: Alright, fine.

Police: So you do know something?

Snag’darr: No, officer.

Police: Then why did you say “alright”?

Snag’darr: As in, “alright, I’ll tell you that I don’t know nothin’”.

Police: Sounds like something someone that do know somethin’ would say.

Snag’darr: The road fell down the stairs.

Police: Alright I’ll take it. I have no legal obligation to serve or protect you, since you’re a fucking terrifying dragon. Have a nice day.

Snag’darr notices the shake on the officer’s hand as he puts away his pen and paper.

Snag’darr: Thank you officer. And sorry about the hand, I shook it a bit wrong. (whispering) Now I just need to find out who framed me for eating that person on the street.

(The police officer is screaming. His hand will need four months to heal, and three years of physical therapy to feel half way back to normal. Not to mention the actual therapy, of course.)

You see, on that morning commute, something had made the two buses that his front paws (or whatever they’re called, they’re his front dragon feet), swerve in opposite direction of each other. Having no other way to balance himself, Snag’darr had intuitively smashed his giant fucking face to the ground. In the process, he had accidentally eaten a person. Honestly, a great crime in places not called ‘The North Pole’, since Snag’darr can’t admit to it without being stuck in some weird one-off, bio-degradable dragon-prison or whatever, since it’s impractical to build a big facility just for him.

Anyway, to figure out whodunnit, Snag’darr had to use his lawyer and his accountant powers combined with enough fire to burn down half the city. Also he beat up some thugs in the local gangs, since they can’t really do much to a goddamn dragon. Why the police don’t hire him to literally smoke out their hiding spots is beyond me. More systemic incompetence, I guess; this is the city that banned the same dragon from flying by forcing him to ride on busses like roller skates. Idiots. Dumba rumba, stoopid toopid. But you go ahead and make your own opinion on that.

These have been just some of Snag’darr’s many many (way way way too many) weird ass and weird-ass adventures in public transportation. Thanks, Snag’darr, for being a Magnet for Madness™ (now showing in theaters everywhere this summer!).

Thim: What happened after that?

Thim chugs more vodka.

Snag’darr: Save the What Happens Next shit for the blog.

They are sitting at the GYSO estate, Thim is in the kitchen playing with knives and alcohol.

Thim: Actually not a bad idea. Wait, I think I’m forgetting something… Right!

Thim pulled out a crumpled piece of paper.

:O

It was GYSO Reviews Part 30 all along!