GYSO Reviews Part 31 - Thim Teaches You How to Write a Blog
Published: 2024-01-14
Hey you Melon Felons (MFs)!
So you’ve found youself writing a blog, and you don’t know what to do. Good thing you found this post, where I–Thim–will teach you how to make your blog profound, successful, evergeen, and satisfying to write.
To do this, we’re going to have to get Skeggy. Some people think Flow is what’s important. But I will show you that the Skegness state of mind will practically guarantee that your blog might get noticed and seen by, at minimum, web scraping robots.
Booking the tickets
Alright, we gotta get to Skegness, England, in order to write our blog. To do this, we will get help from this post’s sponsor:
The town of Skegness.Talk to Debra, she’ll get you sorted if you’re coming anywhere from within England. But first, we have to get to England.
- Learn French
This is just to piss of the people of Skegness. You just gotta get into a Skegness state of mind for this, know what I mean? Cus’ I know what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Things to do in Skegness
There’s a lot of things you can do in Skegness in order to help you write your blog. Remember, this is a guide on how to write a blog. It is not a travel guide. Stop thinking it.
Clock Tower
The Jubilee Clock Tower is a clock tower that has been built. It was built in 1898, and is an important landmark for this Lincolnshire town. Please be aware that Skegness is a beach town, so there will be water near the clock tower, even though it’s not advertised clearly in the name of the attraction. Also please be aware, that despite this being a clock tower, it does not tell time. Instead, it is meant to reference the fact that time has come to a halt around it. If you get too close, your existance will slowly (as in, over a short period of time - ironicially enough) start to erode, and you will be permanently locked in stasis.
Stay safe. Stay salty. Stay Skegross. Ayy lmao.
Beach
You can sink your toes into the sand of the beach, and then walk around with sand all up in your business for the whole day! Beaches are great for inspiration for writing your blog, because they’re otherwise so boring that you can’t help but think of work instead. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go poach some tuna.
Aging population
Things to do in Skegness: Aging population. But not in the sexy way, be careful with those hip replacements.
You too could join the Skegness tradition of wasting the last years of your life away doing literally nothing but ‘watching the telly’. Watch as your skin wrinkles and becomes covered in spots, your hair falls out, and your body withers like a plucked flower! At least you’ll be in good company when the arthritis prevents you from typing your blog up.
Lack of economic diversification
If you’re worried about retiring early, don’t. Skegness will force you to work a dead-end job for the rest of time (if you happen to approach the clock tower, that is).
What this means is that there is an award for solving the time-halting problem around the clock tower. Whoever figures out what it’s about gets ten tons of fish from the ocean. You won’t know what to do with that much fish, so if you don’t sell it quick it’ll just rot and make the whole damn town stink, you asshole.
They are also awarded the life insurance premiums of the ca 200 people that have walked into permanent stasis, and who will be shot immediately upon re-entering the current time domain. We don’t want those freaks in this town. Attempts to throw explosives into the time bubble has so far failed. You also get to pick their pockets for any cash they may be carrying, though take care to avoid their feral claws, assorted teeth, and any pocket sand.
So there’s a chance you can break the pattern of working yourself to death, if only you can fix the impossible to fix time thing.
Coastal erosion
Speaking of lack of economic diversification, this is a serious issue. Whatever government Albert is part of is offering the town of Skegness a near-infinite supply of byproduct from their production of federal acid. They call it Beach Acid, and it’s not the kind that you get a good trip on. Rather it has been meticulously engineered to melt any intruding visitor faster than any currently available military Beach Acid. This is a weapon of mass destruction–that is to say, it destroys mass, the mass of the coast. Yes, physicists, the mass is destroyed, yes that doesn’t make sense, yes you can suck it. Beach Acid will be used as a weapon, and violate the Geneva Convention Checklist.
The Town Council is currently in discussions about delivery costs.
The Jolly Fisherman
It’s a poster. Famous for some reason. Beats me. The fisherman comes out of each poster in the town every night at midnight to steal a crab stick. So make sure, if you keep one of those damned posters in your house, to stock your fridge with plenty of crab sticks. You don’t want to know what happens when The Jolly Fisherman doesn’t get his crab sticks.
OOOOOH sooo spooky.
ikr
I knew a guy who forgot his crab sticks. Knew. Past tense.
Now what?
Now that you’ve successfully entered a Skegness state of mind (tm), you can write your blog to perfection. The coastal erosion energy and the time fuckery from the clock tower will fill your fingers as you type, and you’ll win as writing blogs.
Congratulations on becoming a blog writer. You’re a little late for it, considering everyone just makes three hour long Youtube documentaries on whatever inane thing they come across, but whatevs.