GYSO Reviews Part 32 - Jesus Lives in the Mountains (and studies karate)
Published: 2024-01-28
A Cool Breeze™ settles over the base(d) camp. Monkey man is taking a hit ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) from a giant bong.
Main Character 1: Well, it’s all downhill from here.
Main Character 2: You mean it’s uphill?
The two main characters were standing in front of a mountain. Not a very large one, more of a weirdly boob-shaped hill, but it contains some popular tourist attractions (like the other boob-shaped hill slash merry-go-round next to it). They finally had a week of paid time off from their stressful jobs as marketing consultants, otherwise known as the people who clean up the mess after the other markeing consultants fuck up again Steve get your damn act together or you’re going on probation.
Before leaving, they had been told from the people at the base camp to stay clear of the weird cave about half-way up the boob mountain. One guess on where the cave would be located on an actual boob.
Main Character 2: Why shouldn’t we go near the cave?
Monkey Man: Jesus lives there.
Main Character 1: …Jesus.
Monkey Man: I know, right?
Main Character 1: That can’t be right.
(What 9000?)
Monkey Man: Yeah, BEB is a central fixture of the area. He helps us carry big rocks and build shelters out of used newspapers. Maybe you’ll catch him practicing his karate.
Main Character 2: What’s a BEB?
Monkey Man takes another hit from his bong. As in, he hits himself in the face with it. Nobody has the heart to tell him he’s been doing it wrong all this time. He just assumes that ‘brain damage’ is what ‘being high’ is like.
Monkey Man: Oh that’s that good shit. Anyways, it’s Big Erectus Babe. You know, Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ? Come on, you should know this.
Main Character 2 is slightly pulling the arm of Main Character 1, to indicate it’s time to get going.
Main Character 1: No, hang on here just a moment. Is that some parody on Christianity? If it is, I can’t tell if it’s trying to empower the ‘Jesus’ character as strong and sexually effective, or if it’s a form of belittling or simp(le) satire.
Monkey Man: You’ll figure it out.
Main Character 2 is insisting on leaving. He’s half ready to base jump off the boob at this point.
Main Character 1: Whatever, thanks anyways, maybe.
Monkey Man gives them an extremely offensive hand gesture, notarized by some dragon laywer in a far off city, since no one had bothered to tell him that this wasn’t the way the native people of the forest greeted each other. He also stole that joke from Rick and Morty, but changed it just enough to not be total plagarism. Or was it the people around him that stole the joke, and simply made Monkey Man the butt of it? Monkey man butt. Lol. Anyways…
About halfway up the mountain, the two marketers defrauded another hundred thousand dollars, and found the really obvious cave marked with big, erect, increasingly contradictory signs with both skulls and prayers–sometimes both at once. They threatened death to any that would trespass, but that the life after death would be somewhat pleasant.
Main Character 1: Let’s go see him!
Main Character 2: No, can’t you see the signs? We’re obviously not wanted here.
A Cool Breeze™ swept the shallow forest leading to the cave.
Further off the path, they could make out the sounds of someone … speaking?
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Welcome, to Mt. Hungolomghnonoloughongous!
This was swiflty followed by sounds of… karate?
hiiiiYAAAAAA
A thud sound.
karat-EEEEEEEEEEEE
Glass shatters. A cat screeches.
Pika, pika, Pikachu!
Everyone in a ten mile radius cringes hard enough to cause air traffic in the area to stop and drop, the fish in the river to spontaneously combust underwater, and the very sun in the sky to flicker slightly.
Main Character 1 has already started running towards the cave. Main Character 2 looks around and sighs heavenly (that one wasn’t a spelling mistake) before running after.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ is practicing karate in the entrance of his manly man cave enclave haven. There’s a fire sputtering in a hearth somewhere, surrounded by a lot of telling ash. And also a bunch of Yu-Gi-Oh card packs, and the weird Yu-Gi-Oh arm things that they dueled with in the anime. There’s also a map of Azeroth from World of Warcraft hanging to the side.
There’s a shadow coming closer and closer towards the scared backpackers. But then it leaves and nothing of interest happens lol.
Instead, the master ninja po(o)ps out his unshaven head from his manly man cave enclave haven on Mt. Hungolomghnonoloughongous.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Howdy! How’s it going?
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Howdy!~ Uwu~!
Main Character 1: Why did you say that twice? And how did you do it simultaneously?And also, why did you do that thing the second time? Wait, this is satire. Okay I get it now.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ does a triple backflip, missing the flip 2.5 turns through and slamming his head into a life-sized generic Warhammer figurine. He addresses our intrepid adventurers, and the birds pecking at this empy pizza box pile in the corner. His hat has a halo attached to it with a pipe cleaner, and two attachments for sodas – one on each side, and zero attachment to this mortal coil. The hat will be one of the few things left at the end times, so says Goopy Droopy.
Not knowing what to do with themselves, the backpackers just start laughing.
And they can’t stop.
What a doofus.
Who’da thunk Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ would be like this in real life? What’s next, Hercules is living a secret life as a drag queen in a conservative small town in the middle of nowhere?
Main Character 2: You should start a comedy routine! Here’s my money!
BEB: Huh?
The marketers laugh again.
Main Character 1: There’s this thing, in marketing, called ‘marketing’, that we spend all our days, except specifically this day, doing. And let me tell you, man: You GOT IT!
Main Character 2: The last time our firm actually caught onto, and promoted a succesful comedian, half of brazil was converted into currency to pay the finder’s fee. Trust us, we know what we’re doing.
Main Character 1: Oh, was that the guy with the afro?
Main Character 2: No, it was the afro with the guy. He couldn’t stop talking about radiatiors.
Main Character 1 and 2, in unison: Not very funny.
Main Character 2: But you! You! Y O U! U U U! UWU!
Main Character 2 is pointing franatically at Jesus, walking closer to him to give him that weird sort of side-hug that you give people when taking a group pict–
Main Character 2: Hey, let’s take a group picture, right here, right now! And then we’re going to take you back with us to the big city, where we’ll work tirelessly to really get you to burst on the scene!
They set up the camera and pose.
Main Character 1: Now, say Hungolomghnonoloughongous!
They do so with immaculate precision.
Thim: And that’s the story of how Jesus Christ became a comedian. They sent some guys with a Boeing 747 to go collect BEB’s things, telling him he would get all of it, including the pizza boxes, to his new place. But of course, they burnt it all to hide the evidence of the shameful nerdom he had been engaging in. Shame. Shame. Shame. Instead, they gave him a whole new look and persona… But that story is for another day.