GYSO Reviews Part 34 - Henry the Aloe Vera Plant

Published: 2024-02-25

A rustle in the leaves. A slow breeze, sweeping through the fuckin’ Get Your Skills On mansion. Thim is admiring the Debra debris, still intact from the big ol’ shitty on her desk attack from earlier that summer. He has tube socks on in his sandals and a fleece shirt under his morning robe (that he wears all day). Grabbing his cup of coffee, tightening his robe around him, he heads into the relative warmth of the basement.

Now for a word from our guest writer, you’ll remember him from that one time the fuckwads interviewed ****:

Write something damn it.

Henry is rustling franatically. From the outside, it looks like he’s just rustling in the wind, but he’s actually sending thoughts telepathically to his lord and master, M’elon Musk, who lives on Mars.

’Melon Musk: Henry. What is the status of the two blog writers? Before you respond, please stop sending My Chemical Romance on this channel.

Henry: I chime in with a ‘haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?’

Melo’n Musk: I haven’t listened to My Chemical Romance, so I’ll take it that that’s that.

Henry: You just don’t understand, Melon! This is my passion!

Me’lo’n Musk: God damn teenage plant emo phases. This is why I usually only work with melons. I’m starting to wonder why I made an exception for you…

Henry: It’s not just a phase, dad!

M’elon Musk: Whatever. What’s the status on the blog writers?

Henry: They’re dead lmao.

Melon Musk: lmao? I have no idea what an lmao is.

Henry: I should have been born a hemp plant. But I’m just alo-vera interested in them. Anyways, dude, they died in an attack on their mansion.

Melon Musk: An attack? Tell me more.

Henry: Oh, gosh. Uhh, I think BEB was here.

Mel’’ Musk: WHAT?!? That damn meddler!

Henry: He’s our friend, dad! You just don’t understand!

Melon’ Musl: No! I will not have you associating with that… hooligan!

Henry: Albert was also here! He brought all his friends from the Federal Government!

Melon Musk: This just keeps getting worse and worse. But you say they died in the end? We can move on without their interferences?

Henry: Yup! Thim took over for them because of weird reasons lmao!

Over the telepathic channel, you could almost hear the palm of Melon Musk hit his fore-melon.

Melon Musk: … I don’t know what to think about this. Is this… ‘Thim’ someone who you can manuver to our side? Someone in control of The Blog could prove to be the deciding factor in our quest.

Henry: Yup! I sure think so. He hates writing it, anyways, by golly. You should hear him rant about it after his twentith bottle of quintuple distilled moonshine.

M’elon Musk: …That’s basically straight ethanol… How does he live? Maybe Thim is someone who won’t be in the picture for very long, considering his… indulgent habits.

Henry: Nuh uh! He’s totally immortal! He said that Goopy Droopy said so!

Melon Musk: *retching sounds* Impossible! Even Goopy Droopy would smell that… Maybe he’s saying that just to deter attackers? But how does he survive his drinking? Is it all a trick?

Henry: Beats me, bro! Sometimes mixes up the federal acid left over from the attack and just bathes in it like a hot tub. It’s really wild! Then he feeds me more water and his stinky breath says to get some nice sunlight! I like it here!

Melon Musk: Good. Integrate yourself with this ‘Thim’, get him on my side. You will have to stay there and keep an eye on this. You’ve done good work here, Henry. I will reward you when it won’t blow your cover.

Henry: Golly! You’re so nice! I’ll be sure to make a lot of friends!

The telepathic link breaks, and whatever elevator music sounds like to an aloe vera plant softly plays in the background of Henry’s backdrop of a life.

Thim sits in his living room, staring at the broken TV and imagining that there’s something actually good to watch.

Henry: Hey Thim, I’m Henry!

Thim falls out of his chair screaming.

Thim: AAAAH! WHAT THE FLYING DUCHMAN WAS THAT?!

Sloppily, Thim reaches under the scorched sofa to grab a shotgun, and tries loading it. But surprise, it’s actually an authentic 1800’s musket, so he has to start cleaning the pipes and shit before getting the musket ball half way down and having to start over because it jams.

Thim: YOU STAY RIGHT THERE FOR JUST A MOMENT! DON’T COME ANY CLOSER, I HAVE A WEAPON!

Several hours and ten different internet tutorials later, Thim brandishes his loaded gun ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

Henry: Hiya!

Screaming just as franatically as he was several hours earlier, Thim fires a shot into the already broken TV.

Thim: Damn it! Do you know how long that took to load!?

Henry: I’m Henry! Good to meetcha!

Thim: … Henry? The plant? You expect me to believe that?

At first, Thim’s shoulders drop, and his face relaxes. Silent seconds pass before he suddenly throws the musket behind him, lunges into the air, trying to roundhouse kick nothing at all, and failing quite spectacularly by hitting the TV again. Considering that his name isn’t Big Erectus Babe, and that his diet consists of coffe, alcohol, cereal with no milk, milk with no cereal, and the spiders that crawl into his mouth when he sleeps, he’s making a valiant effort.

Thim: GET OUT HERE, YOU FUCKING FUCKING FUCK FUCKER FUCK ARE YOU INVISIBLE OR SOMETHING, SHOW YOURSELF!

But Thim is screaming to no person.

Henry: Oh I’m perfectly visible, but I communicate using telepathy.

Thim: Of course you do. I’ll have to save this shit for the What Happens… Oh wait.

A light sorrow flashes in his face as he has slowly tip-toes towards the aloe vera plant sitting on the window sill.

Henry rustles in place, even with no wind moving his… spiky things or whatever they’re called on an aloe vera plant.

Henry: Anyways! I’m Henry! Can I be your friend?