GYSO Reviews Part 35 - ASS

Published: 2024-03-10

The mansion has started seriously deteriorating. Thim now takes his “funny business” onto the massive lawn around the buildings. Sometimes he goes behind the barn, sometimes on the front barn. Today, he isn’t doing any of that, he is just picking up the morning paper. After he walks past the gated perimiter of the mansion, he heads straight for the neighbor’s mailbox – since he doesn’t have the money for his own paper. On his way, his (decaying) bunny slippers drag against the dirty dirt in that annoying way that only slippers do. What a paragraph.

Suddenly! A masked figure leaps out from the bushes, readies an ancient Swedish fish, sharpened to perfection, and swings for Thim’s head. Sadly for the Swedish ass ass in, Thim ducks at the exact perfect moment to pick up his (neighbor’s) boring morning paper. After which, he chugs a mouthful of the bottle of cheap wine, distilled with bleach, he brought with him, oblivious to what had just happened, and how many commas this sentence has.

The Swedish assassin faceplants directly into the (neighbor’s) bird bath and promptly drowns. It’s an ancient Swedish bird bath that instantly drowns anything that’s not a bird. It even has big warning signs around it, but the assassassin apparently didn’t notice.

DO NOT FACEPLANT INTO BIRD BATH

(There’s a picture of a guy in the bird bath, dead, with a big X over it)

(Somehow, the posture of the actual assassin matches perfectly with the posture of the logo’s dead guy)

(The scene would immideately after Thim has left, get a picture taken by a famous local photographer, who would name it ‘WTF LMAO’ in honor of his favorite blog)

Heading back through the gates to the GYSO mansion, there is a slightly unusual click as Thim steps past the gates. Then a whirring sound, subtle, but clearly audible this autumn morning. But Thim doesn’t notice and (‘swaggers’) into the mansion.

Some silent shouting can be heard after the abomination spawned from a disease is safely in the house. Two masked figures swiftly run up towards the land mine, shouting at each other. From his windowsill, Henry sees the masked figures are … asses? What?

ASS ASS IN 1 GUY: YOU ASS! YOU MADE A DUD!

ASS ASS IN 2 GUY: PPPPPFFFFTTTTT

the mine explodes

Their bodies were never found. But their heads were found in the neighbor’s bird bath. Faceplanted, of course.

Inside the mansion, Thim is reminded that the water has stopped working when he tries to fill a bucket of vodka with a splash of water. Instead, he grabs a bottle of whiskey and heads to the basement XL.

A helicopter hovers over the neighbor’s house. On a rope, it winches down a look-alike ancient Swedish bird bath that doesn’t have the whole drowing issue. A military truck loads the original one into its cargo.

Unfortunately, helicopters aren’t birds, and so the engine dies in the bird bath and they crash. Fortunately, this was after flying out of sight from anything interesting.

An ordinary-looking man is speaking to a military-looking gal at the front door of the house. She is saying things, and pointing towards the bird bath, and then in the direction of the GYSO mansion. Then she shakes the man’s hand and leaves together with the truck carrying the bird bath.

Unfortunately, trucks aren’t birds, and so the engine dies in the bird bath – faceplanted of course – and they crash. Fortunately, no one was harmed. Yet.

Henry: By golly! He survived that mine, even though it was set to go off when he stepped on it! That’s amazing!

Melon Musk: Amazing?! I’m not sure what to think. Maybe he knew it was there and disarmed it using… I don’t know, maybe he has some PSYCHOTIC ABILITIES!?!?

Henry: No doubt about that, sir! But I think you meant pyscokenetic?

Melon Musk: I KNOW WHAT I MEANT. What I don’t know what I meant is what to do with this … Thim… character. Should I spend more of my valuable ass essed ass ass ins ass ets in guys to see if he falls? Is he actually immortal, or just really, really good at playing dumb?

(that ass thing came flying out of nowhere)

(so did 9/11)

Henry: I think he’s nice! Though, he did accidentally give me bleach instead of water the other day. Good thing I could use my telekenesis I totally have to teleport it out of my pot! But I’m running out of water in the water pipes, they haven’t worked for a week now. Good thing’s there still rain! Do you think you could do anything about the water, by golly, Mr. Melon?

Melon Musk: Henry, we’ve talked about this. Call me Musk. No…. Musk Daddy.

Henry: Gee, is that a nickname just for me to use?

Melon Musk: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (absent-mindedly) It sure is, pal. It sure is.

…

Henry: Hello?

Melon Musk: Yes, hello?

Henry: Hello! It just got sort of quiet on the line, and I wasn’t sure if you were still connected.

Melon Musk: Oh, I’m here.

Henry: Alright. So what do you want to do, Musk Daddy? (✿◠‿◠)

Melon Musk: (twirling a pen) There’s nothing we can do. I’m not even sure what we’ve learnt today. Keep making friends with him, and I’ll be in touch. This… Thim… character might be a useful ass et in any case.

Henry: Gotcha, Musk Daddy!

…

Henry: What a nice guy.