GYSO Reviews Part 39 - Happy Birthday: GYSO Achievement Awards 2024
Published: 2024-05-05
Snag’darr: Do you think he’ll notice?
The dragon, looking in through the half-patched roof of the GYSO mansion, as he does when he isn’t using the recently installed dragon-head-sized loading bay (with complementary bar–exam). Inside the bay there are switches and a control panel to help Snag’darr interface with the mansion, so that he doesn’t have to break through the walls every time he wants to stick his head in.
Just to be clear, he’s just looking through the hole in the ceiling right now. The loading bay is totally irrelevant for this post. Happy literary whiplash, motherfucker.
Albert: No.
Henry: I like cupcakes!
Henry, using his PSYCHOTIC ABILITIES?!?, levitates another cupcake onto his weird aloe vera plant fern parts. He doesn’t eat it, since he has no mouth and doesn’t feel like screaming.
Thim is lying, passed out on his couch made of broken glass and organic hemp beanbag beans. It’s surprisingly comfortable, if you ignore the rusty nails.
Goopy Droopy: Lady and gentlemen, my most eloquent and close friends. I must most humbly inquire as to whom has sent these beautiful roses, red as roses.
Sara: Oh, the tag just says “Greetings from Month of the Month Club. BTW it’s May. xo Debra”
The activity in the room slows down considerably.
Big Erectus Babe: We didn’t get two boxes, right?
The tension is rising.
Sara: No, just the flowers.
Which suddenly dissipates into the ether as the room continues into movement.
Big Erectus Babe: Good. We are not equipped to handle the consequences.
The Magnus whirrs in a corner.
Thim is fast asleep.
In one collective motion, everyone yells–
Everyone: Happy birthday! :D
Thim bolts out of the so-called ‘sofa’, eyes wide open and bloodshot, almost instantaneously pulling his historically-accurate musket from underneath the sofa-abomination.
Thim: YOU ALL BETTER WAIT RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE FOR ANOTHER TWO – OR SO – HOURS WHILE I GET THIS GUN PREPARED, YOU HOLD ON RIGHT THERE! AAAAA!!!
Main Character 1: Wow! Amazing! I just had to go check out what all of this was about, with you being friends with BEB and all! You’ve got talent, kid!
MC1 is gently snacking on a tortilla. Just a tortilla. He gestures for Main Character 2 to have a bite, but he refuses the offer.
Thim is rapidly cleaning his musket pipes in front of everyone without any hesitation or shame. The previous sentence is sponsored by yo mamma.
Henry: Gee, Thim! We got all our friends together to celebrate the GYSO Achievement Awards! And you’re birthday!~ It’s a bit late, but we’re here now!
Albert: It’s ‘your birthday’, not ‘you’re birthday’, Henry.
Henry: You know, for being a man of the state, you’re quite the grammar nazi.
Albert: E– Excuse me?
Henry: What? :P
Thim: Everyone shut up. What do you mean birthday? You’re months late! And GYSO’s birthday was months ago too! What the fun fun fun are you trying to get at?
Somehow, Thim now has a knife duct-taped to his right hand, and is shaking it like a polaroid picture. Nobody cares or acknowledges it.
Jesus “Big Erectus Babe” Christ: Calm down, Thim. We just want to show our support for you coming out around with the blog. We’re happy that you’re excited to keep working on it, is all, and now is a better time to celebrate than when you were drinking ethanol in your basement all day. Now you’re just drinking ethanol upstairs, but it’s a good start.
BEB looks over to the television that still has bullet holes in it – scattered around it are empty jugs that simply says “ethanol”.
Thim: Oh. Okay. So what are we doing then?
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\______(_______;;; __;;;Snag’darr: LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUMBLEEEEEE! Welcome to the GYSO Achievement Awards 2024! Presenting the nominations is this evenings host, Henry the aloe vera plant, master of the Seven Pens and acid!
Thim: Isn’t it only like five months into 2024? Also what the fuck, master of acid what is thi–
Henry: Our first award is the ‘Most Cringy Post’ award.
Henry hovers an envelope sealed with red wax in front of his cute and dainty flower pot. His non-existant eyes roam over the rectangular form.
Henry: Aaaand now~! For our nominations! For being nothing more than a prolonged dick-joke, it’s a joint nomination of Reviews Part 32 and 33 - Jesus Lives in the Mountains and Jesus Lives in the City. The second nomination goes to Part 25 - This Blog Sucks for being simply c r i n g e. Last, but not least, for being a cop-out at getting out of doing work: Part 28 - Too Short.
Thim: Oh, it’s Part 33 and 34, right? It’s gotta be.
The envelope telephathically opens, dropping to the floor. Henry picks it up again because he didn’t get the contents out. There’s a bright card with the number “28” struggling out of the envelope, before floating in the air for everyone to see.
Everyone in the room is cheering.
Thim: WHAT?! That’s not cringe, it’s edge! Get the fuck out of my house! I was just being pragmatic!
Main Character 2 is now wearing a party hat, its point sharpened to a razor tip. He is blowing into one of those party pipes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) that rolls in on itself but it doesn’t work very reliably. Albert, who is acting surprisingly unhinged, is blowing Venezuela a vuvuzela like a football (actual football) hooligan.
Goopy Droopy: Splendid.
In other words, no one is leaving this party just because Thim says so.
Thim: Whatever. What’s the next category? There’s usually multiple categories to these sorts of awards, right, let’s get this over with.
Henry: For my next trick, I’m going to need a volunteer from the audience.
Henry looks over the gathered minanthropes and misfits, then singles out the only one that makes sense in the context.
Henry: Thim! Thank you so much for volunteering!~
Thim: I did no such thing!
Henry: Now Thim, you half-handsome melon felon, I need you to hold out your hand and close your eyes.
Thim: Nope nope nope nope
Snag’darr: Just do it, man. (His quiet rumbling shakes the room)
Thim sighs, then in a flash he does as asked.
Something wet, slimy, and alive plops into his outstreched hand.
Despite the witnesses, they all agree that Thim did not scream like a little girl. RIGHT?!
He opens his eyes and beholds the horror.
Thim: Awww…
It’s a soaking wet bunny rabbit that just wants a friend. Thim immedietly begins to cuddle it to make it warm.
Henry: Now say the words!
The bunny speaks in a baritone voice.
Bunny: Slimiest Post of the Year.
Thim: I’m suddenly far less enthusiatic about this bunny.
Bunny: But father, don’t you love me?
Thim: Aaaaand that’s my limit. Everyone get the hell out of here.
In a piercingly loud telepathic voice, Henry continues.
Henry: The nominations aaaaaareeeeeee…~ For being about aloe vera, Part 34 - Henry the Aloe Vera Plant. For getting slimy with the bird poop, it’s Part 35 - ASS. For dealing with slimy capitalist issues, Part 18 - Melon 4.
Thim: It’s gotta be something else. Those posts aren’t slimy at all. In fact, this award doesn’t make any fucking sense.
Bunny: Please do not swear around me, father. I am an innocent bunny.
Thim: No. No more.
Bunny: The award goes to… *burps*.
Thim: I’m going back to sleep.
And so it went on through the evening. The whole party, including the bunny, kept on with the annual GYSO Achievement Awards. Some categories were obvious, like Part 36 - Just a Flash in the Pan winning Flashiest Post of the Year. Other nominations were more … contested. Like Hottest Post of the Year not going to Part 34 - Henry the Aloe Vera Plant, but to Part 16 - Our Finances, for “equisite burning sensations”. It was, until this point, unclear if Snag’darr had been on the panel of judges. Even Big Erectus Babe, the stoic master he is, accidentally let his left eye flicker slightly when he heard.
Some categories came and went, some were heatedly discussed, and some were completely uncontested. Some were documented, and some were lost to time. We don’t talk about some of them in polite company. All in all, the whole ordeal annoyed the shit out of Thim.
The died.
The end. Until next post, I guess.