GYSO Reviews Part 40 - Thim Follows a Trail
Published: 2024-05-19
Bunny: Rub me father. Rub me and make a wish.
Thim: no
Bunny: But father, don’t you love me? My delicious warm fur? My bunny nose? Father please.
Thim throws the bunny against a wall. It bounces back into his arms.
Bunny: Yes, father.
The bunny is still sort of slimy from… being born? Or whatever caused the circumstances of the GYSO Achievement Awards from last episode. It didn’t quite make sense how it appeared in his hands, but whatever.
Thim: Henry.
Henry: Hiya!! :)
Thim: Fuck you.
Henry: :O
Thim: Do you know how this bunny ended up in my hands at such a convenient time during the GYSO Awards Show from last episode? It kind of just appeared like a flash in the pan.
Henry: Hmmmm, let’s just ask it? Hey bun bun~, with your wittle nose, where did you come from?
Bunny: I was borne of the end and the beginning. My father will deliver me from this coil.
Big Erectus Babe: That is certainly interesting.
Big Erectus Babe is standing stoically with a giant-ass fucking-ass, humongous looking-ass two-handed broadsword you only see in manga, japanese videogames, and terrible fantasy stories from online blogs. Does this count as fantasy? Does it even have a genre?
Big Erectus Babe: I am eager to find out what that might entail for the end tail of your journey, Bunny.
Bunny: Goodbye to those who cannot join us.
Thim: Yeah, that’s it. Even for me, that’s too far over the line. This makes no sense, time to derail this.
Thim puts on his nice sneakers, which only have a single hole each. Then he reaches for his jacket, a second-hand denim find that is fraying at literally every seam, literally, it’s a miracle, and then gives a slight smile and a nod at the guests that for some reason are still in the GYSO mansion. Henry and Big Erectus Babe are hanging around, and Sara is working on some electrical wiring in the hallway.
Then he walks outside. He immediately contemplates going back inside to drink ethanol, but quietly remembers that he’s drank all of it already. That’s right, this has turned into a beer run for him, that’s the plot now.
Now, Thim doesn’t really have a concept of “distance” or barely even “time” since he’s an immortal, depressed, unemployed alcoholic degenerate, literally created from a disease, formed of two other (probably) diseased insane people–look it up, that’s the actual lore. So after about an hour of walking he doesn’t reflect on the fact that he’s been walking for an hour. Rather he sees two tiny figures standing in the road…
Thim: What is that?
Bunny: Give me love, father. I need your love. Love me.
Thim throws the bunny onto the asphalt road he’s been walking on. The bunny rematerializes in his arms like a star trek beam, or whatever man, I don’t know, just let me say words lmao.
Thim gets closer to the two tiny elfs standing in the road in front of him. They’re buff, for elfs, but they’re still pretty tiny relative to Thim’s tremendous human body
.
Elf: Hello, Thim. I’m Elf. This is Elf Two. We’ve been watching you for a while.
Thim: Wow that’s weird. Why do only one of you have a letter in your name?
The elfs candy-cane-colored outfits are ugly, and they look unconfortable, with the elfs constantly adjusting their uniform so much you might think there’s some serious chafing going on. That, or someone poured sour cream into their clothing as a fun elf prank.
Elf Two: Because Santa said–
Thim: I don’t care. Bye.
Thim starts walking again.
Bunny: Carrots, father.
Thim: Yeah, sure, whatever. Tomato, tomato.
Thim pulls out a convient baby carrot he just so happens to always carrot carry in his left pocket and gives it to the bunny. No other words are exchanged between the two, for now.
Elf: Wait! We want to kidnap you!
Thim stops, interested, despite himself.
Thim: Really? Where?
Elf Two: The–
Elf: Shut up, I’m doing the talking!
Elf Two: Oh, sorr–
Elf: Shut up! Shut up!
Thim: So… about that kidnapping?
Thim has gathered some large leaves and is placing them in front of his eyes and making makeshift kidnapping noises and expressions with his face, resting the bunny on his left shoulder. That was one sentence.
Elf: Right. We’re taking you to the north pole. Where Santa, the cononical god of war in this universe, will attempt to bring you over to the dark side. What do you say? It could be fun, and our psych profiles say this is literally the only way to convince you to come along. Please work please.
Thim: What’s in it for me?
Elf Two: Nothing, rea–
Elf: OH MY GOD, WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST BE QUIET?!
Thim: Honestly, I’m starting to feel bad for Elf Two in this exchange, and I’m the one being kidnapped!
Bunny: The eyes of the universe stare into your soul, father. They see it.
Thim turns to the elfs.
Thim: Okay, I’m in. As long as you keep this thing away from me.
Elf: Sure, we’ll take that bunny off your hands.
The elfs try to take the bunny off Thim’s hands, but the bunny is on his shoulder so it doesn’t work.
Thim: M o t h e r f u -
The crew(tm) walks along the asphalt trail leading to the North Pole.
Elf Two: Hey Thim, if you’re being kidnapped, shouldn’t we like tie you up or something?
Thim: You’re welcome to try, small fry.
Elf Two tries to tie Thim up in rope, like a real kidnapper, but the rope unravels via sheer, unapologetic, unabashed, plain as day, absolute, unwavering plot contrivance. There is no mercy in this universe, and no remorse.
The dies.
Elf: You literally read the reports on Thim, Elf Two. What the frozen hell did you think would happen?
Elf Two: I just wanted… I’m sorry…
Thim: You’ll get it next time, buddy.
(he won’t)
Elf: We’re almost there.
(they aren’t)
Thim: Wouldn’t this be a lot faster if we didn’t have to walk all the way?
Elf Two: Sure would.
Bunny: The hero’s journey, the hero’s suffering.
During the duration of their travel, Thim has practiced throwing discus, and is now taking his practice into action with the bunny. Due to Thim’s immortal physiology, his throws cause sonic booms, and tear the very clouds apart in heaven.
The bunny, of course, is the worlds greatest boomerang, and doesn’t give a damn. It redirects the energy of the throw only to end up back in Thim’s arms.
Elf: (slammed in to a nearby tree from the force of the most recent throw) Have you tried throwing it harder?
Thim: Say that again, and it’ll be you I throw next.
Somewhere, some news station is reporting on this incident as parallell to the events causing the sun to flicker at Mt. Hungolomghnonoloughongous.
MEANWHILE, AT THE GYSO MANSION
Henry: Hey, where’s Thim? 0.o
The storms are getting more intense. Thim doesn’t really care, but even the elfs aren’t immune to the harsh wheather of the North Pole. At least it’s better than the South Pole ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Thankfully, Thim only has some holes in the soles of his shoes, and is wearing his frayed denim jacket, so he feels only a slight chill. The elf soldiers, on the other hand, have equipped themselves with thick coats, thicc (thicc) boots (boots) (with the fur (with the fur!)), and those cool glasses you use when you go snowboarding, tinted with a blazing orange.
Bunny: (monotone) Do you fear the cold, father? Do you fear the cold, father? Do you fear the cold, father?
Thim: Nah, lmao.
Elf: They say that a man’s true test of bravery is when they encounter an eel.
Eel: DFJKASFJKLDSAJKLFKDSJAEF
Thim: AAAAAH FUCKING SHOOT IT
Thim clutches deep into the snow beneath his feet, digging up an authentic 1800’s musket. It’s not loaded though, so he takes a couple hours loading it with one hand, since his other hand is occupied with trying to end the bunny. Thankfully, he’s watched enough internet tutorials – and suffered through it in practice – to know the procedure.
Thim: You better be ready, eel! I’m almost ready! Just hang still!
Eel: DFSFJDKLFJDLKSAFJDSLAL
The gang(tm) arrives at an early outpost to the North Pole. The wind is jarring, mostly because of the jars, but several gingerbread houses are standing, looking good as new. They are equipped with large flashing lights of green, red, and white. An elf leads a reindeer, hauling a sled loaded with wrapped packages. Jolly christmas music is playing from… somehwere. but it doesn’t really cover up the sound of the harsh and unforgiving North Pole winds.
An elf soldier meets them. They salute. They speak. They nod. Then the guarding elf simply points The group(tm) deeper into what’s becoming a harsh blizzard.
Bunny: Stare longingly into my eyes, father. Seek the truth within them.
After reseating the bunny in his arms, heavier from having grown out of his baby phase. Thim starts running into the storm, doing backflips and shit. They’ve been out and away from the GYSO mansion long enough to be in really good shape, yet still he only almost breaks his neck a few dozen times. He can’t backflip just because he’s been walking a lot, dummy. Dumba rumba. Stoopid toopid.
Atop the mountain, stands a god.
Santa stares down at the procession approaching his domain. The two elfs will be rewarded well for their work, he decides. The bunny is unexpeccted, but ultimatly harmless if preliminary reports are to be believed; he will be wary around it still, if only because it’s being wielded by…
Him, Thim. The Immortal … character… inheritor of GYSO. Descendant, and slayer, of Thor and Tim. What eldritch powers must such a being wield? How will their first meeting go? Will the god of war get what he needs from him? A thousand thousand possibilities, each with their own branching paths, present themselves to him, and he chooses the best one.
With a deafening boom, he launches himself off his perch, and lands before The Immortal.
Thim: (pointing) You’re that fat fuck!
Santa: …
Bunny: Your mother is large, large man.
Santa has his work cut out for him, it seems.
Tune in for the next episode, as we get a tour of the North Pole, run by the chaos god of war, Santa F. Clause.
Bunny: Read.