GYSO Reviews Part 42 - Melon Musk

Published: 2024-06-16

(Last time, on GYSO Ball-z, Thim went to Melon Mars to meet Melon Musk, the evil melon emperor of Melon Mars. What will happen now? Ooooooo)

Melon Musk: I guess you’re expecting me to be smoking a cigar right now?

Thim: Not really? Who are you, by the way?

The bunny in Thim’s arms lifts its head from the plate of evil water it was drinking out of and speaks in its low baritone voice.

Bunny: I am quenched, father.

Melon Musk: Right… You know, smoking a cigar. Like a real old-timey villain from the movies?

Thim: Why would I expect you to act like that?

The brows of Melon Musk come closer together and his lips tighten.

Melon Musk: Because I’m acting like a villain?

Thim looks confused.

Thim: I don’t… What?

Melon Musk: Let’s just get to the plan, here.

Thim: There’s a plant here?

Melon Musk: Plan, not plant.

Bunny: Dumba rumba, father.

Thim: Hey it’s an understandable mistake you cottontail little shit.

Melon Musk: So, I’m just going to lay my cards down on the table here.

Melon Musk proceeds to bring forth a Yu-gi-oh deck from his jacket pocket. It has seven copies of Exodia.

Melon Musk: Now that that’s taken care of, I’m going to speak frankly.

Melon Musk pulls out a puppet labeled ‘Frank’. He speaks “through” the puppet like some shitty South Park character. You could almost be mistaken for thinking he was just speaking normally, given how little effort he puts into his pantomime.

Melon MuskFrank: Our reports tell us that you are a straightforward man, Thim. So here’s the deal. I’m evil, I want you to help me with my evil plans for world domination–not this world, the other one–and to take care of that jolly fat idiot Santa. I want you to do this by becoming a figurehead for my melon army; being led by an immortal such as yourself will boost moral by 69%.

Bunny: Nice.

Melon Musk: I will give you anything in my power to give for this service. If I can do it, and it won’t interfere too badly with my plans, then it’ll be done. Power, money, booze, you name it, it’ll be yours.

Thim: What about the sweet release of death?

Melon Musk: We could try, but with Goopy Droopy’s prophecy about your endless existance, I wouldn’t harbor too much hope.

Thim: Then I’m out.

Bunny: Gasp, father.

Melon Musk: Please. Thim.

Thim: I got enough ethanol at home. And my aloe vera plant would be sad if I go evil. What else you got?

Melon Musk: Well, will you at least give me a chance? I want to show you some things before you leave. You don’t have to decide right now, I have secretly been keeping my eye on you through Henry, you see, and I think there’s some things that you would like to see here on the surface of Melon Mars.

Thim: Wait! Henry’s a plant! Not that kind of plant, you know what I mean! What!?

Melon Musk: You know as well as I do about his… PSYCHOTIC! A B I L I T E S!!?? What you may not know is how powerful they are. Nonetheless, yes it is true, I am his secret master that he reports to.

Thim: I am appalled at this betrayal, appalled.

(Thim says this while standing in an evil base talking to the same evil guy, having been teleported here from a different evil base. At this point, nobody knows if he’s being ironic or just severely detached.)

Melon Musk: You might be wondering why we melon-people migrated to Melon Mars.

Thim: We did this spiel just a moment ago, why would you ass-ume I’m wondering about anything? It’s been a long day, man: I’ve spoken to eldritch monsters, some jolly fat guy, you, and this dog gamn funky bunny. I’ve found out my plant is a plant, and I just wanna go home bro.

Bunny: I love you too, father. Bow chica-bow-woaw.

Back at the GYSO Mansion:

Henry: Gee, being rid of Thim really has been like a vacation!

Sara: Yeah.

Snag’darr: I never want to see him again!

Henry: Well I’m never gonna give him up! I won’t let him down or desert him!

Big Erectus Babe, standing motionless in the corner, picks up Henry and throws him out the front door in rage.

Melon Musk ignores Thim’s impassioned rant and barrels forward like a shady door-to-door salesman.

Melon Musk: You see. We used to live on Earth, but then the elfs attacked. Santa, in his endless wars, started a genocide as well as social propaganda to make our lives a living hell.

Melon Musk shows a projection of the brief elf/melon war. I candy-cain’t tell you the details in polite company, since it’s pretty gruesome.

He then procedes to monologue through his entire early history as a villian. It’s so generic that you could literally just substitute in whatever you want and it’ll probably be close enough.

Melon Musk: Without monologing through my entire early history as a villain, I had to go into hiding, and I did it by masking myself as human – calling myself “Elon Musk” – to build my financial empire. My goal was always to get my people to safety on Mars and make it into Melon Mars.

Melon Musk suddenly spikes the coconut onto the ground, reminding everyone that he was petting a coconut this whole time.

Melon Musk: BOOYAH!!

Thim: (looking distracted) I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening, can you repeat that?

Melon Musk is standing in a trimuphant pose, arms wide, pelvic thrusting to the direction of the rising sun. It’s a traditional dance of the Melon people, although the tradition is for… not spiking coconuts into the expensive shag carpet of your office.

Melon Musk: (panting, proud of himself) We’re done here. Now you must meet my people.

The streets of the city are close-quarters, at least thiiiiis far apart. Apartment buildings stretch high, but no more than five or six floors. It’s cozy, clothes-lines hanging between the balconies, children running around, and a great ruckus is stirring as the people are running to greet the great Melon Musk and his special guest.

Man: Sir! We are so happy you are here, Mr. Musk saved me from a bear! He wrestled it with his … bare hands!

The crowd erupts with laughter.

Woman: Mr. Thim! There’s a Free Hospital (TM), and they have been giving me care and attention for my rare skin disease, my feet would swell so much I couldn’t dance anymore! Dance! DANCE! AAAAAAAAAH!!!

! SUDDENLY !

A small ensemble of musicians playing non-earthly instruments spring forth from the crowd. They play, and the woman dances, she dances, she DANCES! It’s very beautiful.

Thim: Free healthcare, huh? To be fair to you, Melon Musk, that is impressive. Or, really, the bare minimum. Wink.

Melon Musk is shaking the hands of babies, kissing the elderly, petting lions, and homemade gifts are packed into a big sacc that their courtiege is carrying. The street signs are unreadable because Thim, having destroyed most of himself with alcohol and never having read a book in his life, has some reading comprehension issues. It’s also written in a language he doesn’t understand, so that doesn’t help.

Thim: By the way, why do you speak the English Lanugage, but you don’t write it on your stre–

Melon Musk: Oh the hospital! Thank you, Thim. It’s not easy to run a hospital that acts as a free agent. A free hospital, if you will. The whole cost thing was a nightmare to figure out. Let alone the moral implications of sentient buildings.

Thim: That’s–

Thim receives a light push from Melon Musk. He points towards an official-looking building with a sort of emblem on the front. Cue taken. They head inside.

Melon Musk: We live in a society, Thim.

Thim: Tell me ’bout it.

Melon Musk: That means people are living, working, eating, shitting, sustaining, shitting, creating, building, growing, innovating, and shitting a life for themselves here! Just like on Earth or any other of the inhabited planets.

Thim: Hey, hang on–

Melon Musk: Look!

The group has walked past some sort of office entrance, heading into the actual cubicle space, which is some sort of open-plan thing where everyone can see everyone. Melon musk points at the melon people doing work.

They are all sitting. Silently. Not moving an inch. Some even drool. One is a skeleton.

Thim: What is this? Are these people at gunpoint or somthing?

While a red dot that Thim hadn’t yet seen quickly and quietly disappears from one of the worker’s heads, they speak in unison, union, even.

Workers: We are legally obligated to tell you that we are under no terms forced to be here. We are merely normal people, working normally and speaking normally, in order to create a better Melon Mars.

Melon Musk slam dunks his hand a little too violently than is normally considered polite on Thim’s shoulder. He looks Thim deep into his wonderful, strange, suspicious, eyeball.

Melon Musk: Do you think God also stands in fear of what he’s created?

Melon Musk has an energy around him like he’s got a lot of energy. Pent-up angry villain energy.

Bunny: Nice Spy Kids reference, melon man.

Thim looks at the bunny with a lifted brow.

Thim: Since when have you ever seen any movies, let alone that one?

Bunny: My ways are mysterious and profound, father.

Thim: It’s piracy, isn’t it?

Bunny: …

Thim: That’s what I thought.

Ushering them forwards, through a stairwell, Melon Musk continues to move his mouth and make noises.

Melon Musk: You haven’t seen but a thing, and a thang, Thim. We’ll skip the thong, though. There’s so much more I would like to show you on the surface on Melon Mars.

Thim: Just the surface?

The group is standing in front of a door, panting, because they just briskly walked up some five, or so, floors.

Melon Musk: Yes. Just the surface. We don’t talk about the underground.

Melon Musk quickly pushes the door open to reveal a helicopter landing pad, with a helicopter ready for take-off.

Melon Musk: Think about what I’ve told you here today, Thim. There’s no need to make a decision today, but there will come a day when you’ll have to. I’m sending you to our teleportation area up north. It’ll send you within two thousand miles, in the radius of a sphere, of your home. If you get embedded in the ground, tough shit, we’re still working out the kinks.

Thim: Wait, how come the teleportation here was so specifi–

Melon Musk: That’s Santa technology for you, he has that stuff on lock. Now! No time to waste. Go! Go home, you dumb motherfucker, you.

Somehow, through sheer plot contrivance, Thim teleports directly into his living room. He lands right on his favorite chair, and a bottle of his favorite ethanol launches itself into his hand, ice cold.

Thim: Yo whaddup.

Snag’darr: …

Henry: Hiya! :D

Big Erectus Babe: I’m leaving.

Sara: Where have you been?!

Thim: Eh. Nowhere special.