GYSO Reviews Part 44 - Made-Up-Ball
Published: 2024-07-14
Thim: And where do I put the hyphen?
Snag’darr: Up your– I mean, on either side of ‘up’.
Thim: And you’re telling me that this game is one of the most popular games ever devised, despite the fact that I haven’t even heard of it until a few minutes ago?
Snag’darr only acknowledges Thim’s question with a nod and a shrug of his shoulders so light it only shakes the nearby buildings. Because Snag’darr is a giant fuck-off dragon. For real.
Thim: So, like–
Albert (tipsy): Shut up, the game’s starting!
ANNOUNCER: AAAAAND WELCOME TO THIS YEAR’S CHAMPIONSHIP GAME OF MADE-UP-BALL, THE GAME ABOUT BALL, BALL, MALL, AND ITS MADE UP OF BALL-BALL!
ANNOUNCER 2: tHAT’S RIGHT, jOHN, i’M SO EXCITED i’M SPEAKING IN REVERSE CAPITALIZATION. iT BURNS AYY LMAO.
John: That’s right, John John!
…
The stadium, previously built as a house of cards worship to Big Erectus Babe and his comedy show, is holding an audience of something between two and two hundred thousand people. And in this exact moment the radar announcer couple John and John John can’t find something to make announcer small talk about. This is the first time in their very long and illustrious careers this has ever happened. This is also the first time in their very long and illustrious careers that they’ve ever commentated any sport game ever. They’re actually carpenters, headhunted by two guys from marketing. Reference!
John: …I guess we could explain the rules of the game?
John John: Explain the rules of the game. This game. Made-Up-Ball. Do you see announcers explain how to play baseball before the big game?
John: Well it’s something to talk about. You don’t have to be a dick about it.
John John: … Wait a second, there’s some action on the field! The judges are, as we speak, judging us! We’re also getting information from the players that there is a new rule in Made-Up-Ball stating that the announcers must explain the rules of the game before the next team gets their turn! Hey, if the died.
John: But we aren’t playing the game. Do we really have to follow that?
John John: Hang on, JUST FOR ONE SECOND, JOHN! I’m getting reports from the judges that we do not have to follow that rule since we are not playing the game!
John: Do you really have to yell so loud? I have sensitive earz [sic].
John John: Just explain the damn game already.
Thim: These are the worst announcers I’ve ever heard. And I’ve watched monster truck shows.
Bunny: If you buy a ticket for the whole seat, father, you’ll only need the edge.
On the new-to-them television screen, miraculously not broken the instant it entered Thim’s line of sight, the Undulating Uruguay Ur-gay Ur-guys, or the UUUU, are shouting and making various “movements”. They’re claiming that the other team broke their rule “The game must be played like an auction”.
The opposing team, the Eel Team Six, pronounced in the local eel language as ‘EFDKSALFJIOWEJSDFKLFJDSAKLFJDSKAL’, flops around. It’s a tight match, and EFDKSALFJIOWEJSDFKLFJDSAKLFJDSKAL somehow has twenty successive wins under their belt. Literally, the trophies are under the writhing mass of eel. They are claiming that the UUUU rule about the game being played as an auction is illegal because it constitues an external party mediating the game – and since external parties don’t have to participate – they are arguing that neither should EFDKSALFJIOWEJSDFKLFJDSAKLFJDSKAL.
Thim: What the actual fucking fuck is going on?
Snag’darr: It’s really intense right now. Though it’s a totally idiotic move, because they can just make a rule saying that they don’t have to pretend it’s an auction. Right now they’re just wasting valuable time in time-out.
Albert (drunk): You fat fucking dragon, leave it to the lawyer to rules hic– his way out of it.
Snag’darr: That’s literally the entire point, Albert. Have you been sipping Thim’s ethanol again?
Thim: Whatever, I’m gonna go get a refill, y’all want some?
Henry (like a child high on sugar): Carbon dioxide! Give me carbon dioxide! I crave carbon dioxide! (✿◠‿◠)
Thim: Who have you been talking to recently, Henry? Are they teaching you things in your little telepathic communications?
Bunny: Breath on me father.
Thim: I get it now!
John: It’s a special game today! Might it be that they will actually touch the ball today? Sorry, I had a bit of a stroke for that sentence. Let’s move on. The last time any team made a rule about touching the ball, two world wars began!
John John: Literally Nobody cares. The next turn is happening, though. Let’s see what rules they come up with now!
Representatives from both teams march (and flop-squirm, a technical term) to the center of the field, ignoring the ball as is proper, and exchange the little pieces of toilet paper they wrote their new rules on.
Eel: ASÖLDJGAURHGASDLK CASFDASDÖLFAJSDFYAQASDF
Thim: A chill just went down my spine.
UUUU-guy: Damn.
John John: Okay, the new rule from EFDKssdFJIOWEJSDlakjsdJDSKAL–excuse my accent please–is “Eels always win”.
John: And UUUU goes in hard with “Uno reverse”!
John John: Of course, the question on everybody’s mind is: Will they touch the ball today?
John: They won’t, John John. Anyways, let’s get an instant replay!
Thim: INSTANT REPLAY?!?! WHAT?!
He drops the rest of one large potato chip he’s been sucking on for the last seven days. This has no effect on anything.
Eel: DSADKLSJDFSJFDKLSAJF!!!
(translation: Your mother is an octopus!)
UUUU-guy: No, we win because we reversed it!
Eel: FFFFFFFFFFFFDKLKLKLKLKLKLKL!
(translation: You must construct additional pylons!)
UUUU-guy: Everything’s a valid move you disgusting abomination!
Eel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(translation: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)
Thim: Aaand now they’re fighting. That Uruguay guy should just give up. Freaky ass eels, goddamn it.
Albert (drunk): You kno- know… They say… They say that a man’s truest test of brav– bravery is when enco– encountering an eeeeeeeeeeeel.
SUDDENLY, AN EEL
Eel: DFSKFJLKSDJFLSDKJFKLDSKJAFSD
Thim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The players resolve their differences by the ancient technique of ‘agree to disagree’, and the next rule exchange approaches.
John John: The UUUU sure are looking smug for this rule! Let’s listen in on what they’re cooking up.
The Urugay team has brought in their manager and personal chef on the field to cook them a nice meal while they play Made-Up-Ball and decypher run on sentences. The sizzling in the background is soothing.
UUUU-guy: The Eels are unable to win!
Eel: DASDSDKLJASDÖHJLASSDAAAAAA
(translation: The Urugay team is unable to win!)
John: Talk about synchronizing, there! Sometimes, these tournaments start with a pre-determined set of rules that ban these sorts of shenanigans. What we’re looking at here, John John, might be the start of a beuracratic shoot-out lasting for several hours just to set up a total defense against loopholes, what do you think?
John John: We sure might be looking at exactly that scenario, John. The most common approach for teams, used in 86.9 nice% of games in this tournament, is to start countering the other team’s rules’ with new rules saying things like “all of the other team’s rules don’t count anymore”. Of course, countered with “all previously inserted rules that were previously discounted apply again”.
John: The shortest time a team has endured this strategy before getting tired and going to nap is a mere three hours and twenty six minutes!
John John: Thats right, John, and the longest recorded time for this specific strategy was a game played between two cruel and maniacal rulers of opposing kingdoms. According to the ledger, they played this strategy for two moon cycles before agreeing to a stalemate and cancelling the game.
John: Wow, John John, it sure smells like up-ball in here.
John John: What’s up-ball?
John: deez nuts
As sun sets on the arena, the teams are still exchanging rules. The ball has not been touched.
UUUU-guy: What? “I cast a magic spell causing this game to be reversed in its entirety.” What does that even mea-
The television screen goes blank.
In some sort of fatigue-induced rage, Thim stands up from his organic hemp beanbag chair.
Thim: NOW THAT’S SOME SERIOUS BULLSHI-
The television screen turns on.
ANNOUNCER: AAAAAND WELCOME TO THIS YEAR’S CHAMPIONSHIP GAME OF MADE-UP-BALL, THE GAME ABOUT BALL, BALL, MALL, AND ITS MADE UP OF BALL-BALL!
ANNOUNCER 2: tHAT’S RIGHT, jOHN, i’M SO EXCITED i’M SPEAKING IN REVERSE CAPITALIZATION. iT BURNS AYY LMAO.
John: That’s right, John John!
John John: …do you have deja vu right now? Dejohn vu?
John: No, why?
John John: No reason.
LATER THAT NIGHT, AFTER THE BIG GAME IS OVER
(the eels won again, creepy bastards)
Thim: So, I’m on a team with Henry, and you and Albert are on your own team? I’m not including the bunny anywhere in this.
Snag’darr: Yes.
Albert (passed out): …
Henry: I’m ready to play! I even got the ball!
(the ‘ball’ is a bunch of crushed aluminium foil)
Thim: Do we even need a ball?
Everyone else, including Albert (passed out): YES!
Thim: Jeez, okay.
The two teams write down their first rules. Thim writes down the rule for his team without telling Henry what it is, because he’s kind of a jerk like that.
They meet in the middle of the GYSO Mansion courtyard and exchange rules.
Team Snag’darr/Albert (waking up) goes with ‘we win’.
Thim’s team, however…
Snag’darr: Oh.
Thim: That’s right. It says right there that “Thim can make as many rules as he wants on the first turn.” So… We win, you can’t win, you can’t reverse this through any method, we’re immune to bullshit meta subversions–except this subversion of course, we win for real, really, and also fuck you lmao.
Albert (awake now): …I don’t want to play Made-Up-Ball anymore.