GYSO Reviews Part 49 - V for Vignettes

Published: 2024-09-22

Shortly after the end of GYSO Reviews Part 48…

Elf: Ouch. That hurt a lot this time. I had no idea that half-handsome man would also turn out to be half-intelligent enough to figure it all out.

Elf Two: I’m starting to think this ‘Thim’ character is bad news. Why do we keep getting jobs to deal with him? We’ve never succeeded. I mean, given the forces that the big Fucking C. has, I’m surprised he’s kept us alive this long.

Elf is giving himself a massage around his neck and shoulders as they are talking.

Elf: It is strange, considering he has systems – and brutes! – in place to squash even the mention of worker’s rights or unio–

Elf Two: Don’t! You know what’ll happen if you say it. Don’t you dare.

Elf: That’s exactly the kind of mindset that keeps us stuck in this situation! That’s how he will keep on winning, and is exactly why we need a union!

As Elf is saying the word, Elf Two invests long-term, hoping for dividends, into a full-body plunge to stop the uttering. Elf Two is easily thwarted, and now both elfs are lying in an awkward position because of the not-really-a-takedown attempted takedown.

Elf: That’s sort of gay, my dude.

Elf Two: Grow up. What do you think this is, 2004? That’s a compliment now, I’m pretty sure, so the joke’s on you.

Somewhere from the North Pole, Santa’s big, thick, union-squashing, girthy, throbbing, slightly painful baddies are teleported. All they can see is snow. All around them is snow. It’s because it’s cold out, I promise. They have no compass or GPS. They were not given instructions on who, or why someone said it. Usually they just end up right next to the offender and the situation sorts itself out. This time they collectively choose a direction and start walking. Not even the commonplace explosions of the North Pole military base can be heard.

….

Elf Two: Huh. No baddies. Maybe they’re waiting for us when we get back. All thanks to you, by the way.

Elf: Don’t look at me, I just said ‘union’.

Elf Two: You motherfu–

Henry: ~I’m walkin on sunshine–

Thim crashes through the window. In a shower of glass and wooden window frame, he hurls Henry the aloe vera plant out through the recently broken window (who knows who did it?).

Thim: No copyrighted songs!!

Henry: But what about fair use?

The neat part about PSYCHOTIC~!??! ABILITIES?????!!!! is that the voice of the aloe vera plant is just as loud when he’s right next to you as it is when he’s being thrown into the garden. The doppler effect can suck Henry’s succulent ass.

Thim: Fair use up your ass, Henry. Up your ass.

(Nobody cleans up the mess)

(Inside of the GYSO Mansion Kitchen)

Sara: That guy is in an idiot. It’s not that I’m surprised that he figured it out by accident–

Sara opens the fridge and sees lasagna.

Sara: Ah. Lasagna. That’s nice.

The lasagna explodes.

Sara: I change my mind.

(On a casual bus ride)

Snag’darr: It’s crazy how fast they shut that place down.

Passenger: WHAT THE HELL?! WHO WAS THAT, WHAT’S GOING ON?

Snag’darr readjusts his footing on the bus that the scared passenger is sitting in. The bus swerves, but ends up back in lane.

Snag’darr: Sorry about that, I’ll try to be more gentle!

The bus driver lets a loogie loose through the window before he flips off the dragon.

Snag’darr: It’s crazy how fast they shut down organizations that Santa uses to iLaunder money with.

Passenger: Please don’t kill me, dragon! I’ll pay tributes! I’ll give you anything!

Snag’darr: Worst part about it is all the honest people working on the clean parts of the company. Actually, my friend Debra has to change jobs now, and I can’t imagine it being easy to convince someone that you’re not evil when you worked as a secretary for an evil corpo–

A gun shot hits Snag’darrs’ foot, causing his dragon foot to jerk – again.

Pedestrian: Get out of my town, you dra– you dra-creep!

Snag’darr: Why do I take the bus, again? Oh right. It’s the law.

Thim walks down a shady alleyway, whistling, wearing a bright pink shirt with the words ‘MUG ME YOU COWARD’ plastered on the front and back.

Suddenly, someone jumps out of the shady shadows.

Mugger: Gimme all your money!

The mugger pulls out a shiny switchblade and brandishes at the unamused Thim.

Thim: What the fuck are you doing with that thing?

Mugger: I’m mugging you! You’ll get cut if you don’t hand over your wallet!

Thim: No, I get that part. I mean why aren’t you using the new iShank 12? What even is that? An iShank Max Edge 6? Or, fuck man, is it even a shank?

Mugger: *crying* nooo…

Thim: Next time, try harder. Good bye.

Thim walks away, uncut and smiling, whistling a single high note as loud and as long as he can, wearing a bright pink shirt with the words ‘MUG ME YOU COWARD’ plastered on the front and back…

(From the GYSO Mansion Chat Group)

The Plant: Hey guys is the lasagna supposed to growl?

Magnus Enjoyer: No it’s supposed to explode

thim: you people always insult my cooking

Snag'goodman: STOP PUTTING NITROGLYCERIN IN THE CHEESE!

thim: YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO MOM

The Plant: …how does nitro make it growl? Guys? Help? It’s moving!

Bunny: Father.

Thim: …yeah?

Bunny: uwu

Thim: Great my bunny is a furry.

Thim: …wait.

Thim: And where do I put the hyphen again?

Snag’darr: Up your– I mean, on either side of ‘up’.

Thim: And you’re telling me basically anyone will play made-up-ball if you post on social media that you want to play?

Snag’darr: It’s literally the most popular sport in the world, Thim.

Thim: It might be, but I think I figured out the most controversial way to win.

Thim is already sprinting towards the makeshift made-up-ball ball.

He touches the ball and reality collapses a little bit. Just a little. It’s fine. Just walk it off, reality.

The GYSO crew(tm) gather after a long day of being batshit insane. The campfire burns not with wood, by with the shattered hopes and dreams of those lives they’ve ruined today.

Thim roasts a marshmallow. More like engulfs it in flame, but it’s still technically ‘roasting’.

Henry is scared of fire. One guess as to why.

Snag’darr is busy sleeping.

Sara went home already.

SUDDENLY!

A helicopter air drops a package right into the fire pit, putting it out and plunging the GYSO Mansion Backyard into darkness!

Slowly, tenatively, Thim opens the package.

Thim: Yes! More nitroglycerin!

(this does not make anyone else excited)

Henry: Says here that the pavlovian dogs, web scraping robots, and melon felons cooperated on the southern erection.

Thim: I call bull.

*RING RING* *RING RING*

Thim: Hey bull!

bull: I told you never to call me again, Thim. This is the third time this week.

Thim: Sorry, butt dial ¯_(ツ)_/¯

…

*RING RING* *RING RING*

The dies.