GYSO Reviews Part 50 - Rats vs. Moles

Published: 2024-10-06

Beady shiny eyes stare out from cracks, crevices, and from behind broken furniture. Three beings enter the GYSO basement, intent on sparking war.

Henry: You have to put a period after the ‘vs’ if you’re abbrevia–

Thim: I know. Don’t bother me. I’m working. Go telepath-pirate-radio some ABBA or something you wholesome fucking plant.

Bunny: Make me whole, father.

Thim: no

As Thim walks down, he places the potted plant on the steps. He puts his hand down a family-sized bag of whole-grain wheat thins, and throws one across the dark room. Thim doesn’t have any damn time for headlamps, being immortal and insane, and doesn’t care to repair the lights, being stupid.

The wheat thin doesn’t even land, it just dissapears when a black, squeaking blur lashes out and grabs it before skuttling back into a hole. If Thim hadn’t seen its glowing red eyes, he might not have even believed it had been there.

Henry: What was that?!

Bunny: Make. me. whole-grain wheat thins. Father? Please.

Thim feeds a wheat thin to the bunny. It’s really cute, but Thim will never admit it.

The bunny, in thanks, opens its mouth and lets out a wide-beam glowing light to illuminate the room. Order your own bunny flashlight today for just $299.99, the average cost of a good flashlight ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Suddenly. … Ah, who cares about the squealing and scuffling and sounds of flesh ripping, or rippling in the case of Thim’s dumptruck ass? Thim makes his way upstairs, happy with a good day’s work in the basement.

Some days later. Or even a few more, if you wanna be technical about it.

Thim: This is what I’m talking about, my favorite food! Lasagna Lasagna! It’s a lasagna made out of several lasagnas! It’s just a bunch of fucking cheese and carbs.

Thim dumps the Lasagna Lasagna on the floor of the basement and leaves.

Iiiiin one corner, weighing in at 300 wiskers, is the rats!

In the blue corner–really it’s blue, glowing mushrooms that have never been cleaned–weighing in at… a lot of moles, are the moles!

The feeding begins. Lives are lost in the Lasagna Lasagna war, but it’s worth it for yet more carbs in your fucking diet you fat fuck.

Thim: Listen up! I got you some vegan crap from Thor’s unused stash in the pentry.

Henry: Don’t you mean pantry?

Thim: I hate being half-handsome.

As Thim pours some rotten-rotten lintels, broccoli, and water (that’s somehow rotten), into the basement, the thicc, cccc, cement-like mixture never even hits the basement floor.

Bunny: Father, why do you treat the creatures in your basement better than your bunny? Father, please.

Thim gives the bunny a rotten carrot. It explodes from all the mold.

Bunny: Thank you father.

As Thim walks the stairs up again–he’s got a leash on it and everything–he skips a broken step and notices a … rock?

Thim: What’s this? Bunny, light this place up.

The bunny catches fire without the slightest hesitation.

Thim: NOT LIKE THAT NOT LIKE THAT

The bunny stops being on fire, and instead assumes its flashlight forme. Literal hordes of rats escape the light, and the shuffling could be mistaken for the soundscape of a crowded city. Because it’s full of rats, just like a crowded city.

Taking a closer look at the … rock?

Bunny: Ah yes, father. A ceremonial tribute to Tim.

Thim: NOT THAT FUCKING GUY AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD–

Henry: Aww, that’s nice of them. They really care, Thim!

Thim: No. No, I’m not going to think of those fuckers again. They’ve ruined more of my life than is allowed by the Thim-eva convention, and thus will be scrubebd from history.

Henry: …can we get a closer look?

Thim: Yeah, okay.

A crudely-drawn box full of Thor’s old stuff gets thrown to the basement floor.

Thim: Alright you rat fuckers and rat motherfuckers, if you’re gonna be down here ‘celebrating’ Tim you might as well take Thor’s old shit as well. Please. I’m sick of looking at it and getting shit in my eyes at the same time.

The box hits the ground. There’s loud noises. Hissing. Scratching. Flesh sundering and the sound of … eating emerges, and the Bunny lights up the joint–not like that–displaying an invasion of moles into the GYSO basement.

Thim: This crap again? I thought you guys were terrorizing the upstairs living room! What the hell?

The sound of rats and moles fighting their war infurates Thim enough to almost miss the broken step at the bottom of the stairs.

Musket shot.

The sound of a huffing man, fervently huffing, cleaning his historically accurate musket with a huff, huffing the smoke from its business end. It’s not very effective, despite how much practice he’s gotten recently. But it doesn’t matter, it’s to make a point.

Thim: WHICH ONE OF YOU MOLE MOTHERFUCKERS MADE A HOLE IN MY LIVING ROOM WALL? WHY DID YOU LEAVE A TRIBUTE ROCK VAGUELY RESEMBLING THOR WHERE HE DIED?

Thim runs back up the stairs, punches a hole in the living room wall in anger, then returns.

Thim: It’s one thing for you to wage your war down here in the suddenly plot-relevant basement, but I’m setting some … ground rules, okay?

To everyone’s surprise, including the rats and moles, there’s a vague sound of both rats and moles laughing at Thim’s joke. Or they’re choking each other.

Bunny: Father, I’m coming.

Thim: Bunny, please never say that again ever again.

Bunny: …Father–

Thim: I’m warning you, bunny!

Bunny: –I’m–

Thim: Last chance to turn back! Here be dragons!

Bunny: –very happy to call you a friend.

Thim: …Damn you. Just light the place up so I can make my demands.

After the ground rules are set, things settle down again at the GYSO Mansion. The rats and the moles are allowed to skitter around as they please, so long as Thim never sees them for any reason ever–otherwise they get the hook.

Which means that they’ll never appear in the blog again, because nobody will notice them.

Yep. It’s toally over. War resolved.

Santa collapses his spy glass and hums in thought.

Santa: If killing him won’t work, then I’ll have to resort to socal means of domination…

Elf Two: Did you really have to say it like that?

Santa ignores him.

Santa: Yes. I can see it now. I have to sue Thim! For ending the war of rats and moles!

Elf: Uh…

Santa’s evil laughter can be heard throughout the North Pole. It’s two in the morning so it wakes everyone up.

TO BE CONTINUED

THE DIES