GYSO Reviews Part 51 - Better Call Snag’darr

Published: 2024-10-20

Thim: Can you GUSO your skills on? I forgot mine at home. Get Uruguay Skills On.

Slumped in the organic hemp beanbag chair, drinking from a half-[redacted] jug labeled “#ETH4NO1” with a permanent marker, Thim looks at a “chart” depicting a red line going horizontally across the page.

Thim: That looks pretty good to me, if I’m being hoe honest.

Snag’darr looks at the chart, realizes it’s flipped the wrong way around, flips it the right way around, and realizes what the word ‘horizontal’ means. It’s a moment of enlightenment for the dragon, some real zen shit going on here.

Thim: Ah, much better!

Thim takes another quaff from the bottle of his straight Up-ethanol–based off the hit Pixar film Up. Don’t drink ethanol, kids; Thim only does it because it’s cool.

Snag’darr: I’m just happy that your jug isn’t actually some cryptocurrency for me to keep track of, but I’m even happier that I don’t have to deal with your accounts any more. Because I’m your lawyer now. I do lawyer things. Well, I haven’t passed the BAR exam yet, but I’m here representing you anyways because of esoteric laws about dragon lawyer students being too terrifying to say ‘no’ to.

Thim: Wow, how convenient and not contrived at all!

Thim looks at the graph with the horizontal line again. Embarrassed, it catches fire from all the attention. Again.

Bunny: Humilation is for the weak, father.

Thim: Thanks for the input, bunny. What about the exposition for this damn blog post though?

Snag’darr: I’m so glad you asked, but never mind the blog post! You’re being sued by Santa!

Thim: You mean that fat fuck that gave me a tour of his child labor camp “war base”?

Snag’darr: No, those weren’t children. They were just really small because they’re elfs.

The fax machine in Snag’darr’s office starts whirring and papers start printing. The first is the obligatory fax of the sender’s ass smushed up on the scanner, followed by the rest.

Snag’darr: And because you just said that, Santa is adding on more accounts of libel and discrimination against the Elfs. That’s just great. Do you know how many years you could get locked up for if his corrupted little hands manage to even get some of this stuff through the legal system?

Thim: And how does the GYSO legal system work, dragon lawyer? Please spare me no details.

Thim: That makes a lot of sense. I can’t believe it’s that consistent with the rest of the lore, especially how it explains, in hindsight, so much of the weird happenings in this universe. Truly, the designers of this shit have a serious, long term plan for where it’s going to go. What great worldbuilders.

With a fake smile and a thumbs up (his ass), Thim looks into the camera.

Bunny: Father, I want more Meta-O’s.

Thim feeds his bunny more of the cereal, Meta-O’s. They crunch like broken fourth wall.

Snag’darr: Shut up, we’re going to court. Right now. That’s the way it works, I told you already.

The Gang(tm) walks out of the court room with ice cream cones, just the cones no ice cream, wearing sunglasses, being live-commentated on national television by John and John John while a Mariachi band plays music from High School Musical, complaining about run on sentences, and the abuse of commas, not to mention the burning of the commons, and the commas, comma comma comma comma comma chameleon.

Elf Two: What the hell just happened in there? One second we were testifying, and I thought we had him pegged for thousands of years, hundreds of crimes, all with the corrupt backing of Santa!

Elf: I guess we’ll never know…

Elf Two smacks the idiot on the back of his head.

Elf Two: You were in there with all of us! Dumba rumba, stoopid toopid.

Elf: Oh yeah? How about you explain, in exact detail, what happened, huh?!

Elf Two: …fuck you.

Back at the GYSO Mansion…

Sara: So Thim, are you still writing the blog?

There is Lasagna Lasagna being passed around the dinner table, celebrating their big win in the court system.

Thim: Honestly, I am, but it seems to get away from me sometimes. Like I’m not writing it, but transcribing it from something else. You know what I mean?

Sara: Are you possessed? Should I get a young priest and an old priest?

Thim’s arm flails with a mind of its own.

Thim: nah.

Sara: …okay. Anyways. Glad you’re not in prison, I guess.

Thim: You guess?

Sara: Yeah, I’m still undecided on the whole ‘Thim’ thing, to be honest. Can you go to prison anyways so I can see what I think about it then?

Thim sits behind bars in a prison cell, petting his bunny.

Prisoner: So what did you do, kid?

Thim: I wrote a blog called Get Your Skills On.

Prisoner: They all say that, kid. They all say that.

Thim: …they do?

Prisoner: Yep. It’s how the system works, didn’t someone explain, in exact detail, how it works?

Thim: What the fuck kind of prison is this?

Bunny: Look, father.

Thim looks up and sees a sign:

PRISON FOR PEOPLE WHO THINK GYSO IS REAL

YOU’RE CURRENTLY IN: WRITER’S BLOCK

Thim: Oh, okay. Fuck me, I guess.

The end.

(The dies.)