GYSO Reviews Part 52 - I’ve Been Shanked Redemption
Published: 2024-11-03
Thim stares at a poster on the wall of his cell. It shows Goopy Droopy with a big red X over him with the text ‘IF YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN GOOPY DROOPY, CONTACT THE PRISON LOBOTOMIST’.
Thim: Last time I got one of those I… Actually, I can’t remember…
Prisoner: Wait. Do you mean that you’ve never had a lobotomy, or that you can’t remember if you’ve had one?
Thim: What’s the difference?
Prisoner: …
Thim is being ‘reprogrammed’ in the ‘reprogramming’ room.
Guard: Say it with me: The GYSO Mansion is not real.
Everyone: The GYSO Mansio–
Thim: NOOOOO!!! I HATE PROGRAMMING! IF YOU’RE A BITCH IS TRUE, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!
A guard walks up to Thim to taze him too, two times, too, to stop too to two too tu-tu. Out of sheer plot contrivance, the electricity arcs to a nearby bagel, which cooks perfectly like it was in a toaster. Thim eats the bagel.
Thim: yum
The guard tries giving Thim a seductive sedative shot instead, and the needle bends it like Beckham and contorts so that the guard gets the shot instead. And it’s not a sedative, it’s a laxative! Whomp whomp.
Guard: Say it with me: I am not immortal, I do not live with plot armor, I will give twenty percent of my income to the warden.
Everyone: I am not immo–
Thim: Boo! Twenty percent of zero is basically nothing! I’d have check with my aloe vera plant to confirm, though.
Guard: Why does my stomach feel like a Taco Bell challenge?
At one end of the prison library…
Thim: NO FUCKING WAY!
Having been in his happy space, on an organic hemp beanbag chair, reading “Escaping Prison for Dummies: Prison Library Edition” and “Dealing with the Loss of An Accountant: Prison Library Edition”, Thim sees…
Snag’darr: That’s right, Gandalf. The accounts have to add up to zero. That’s what double-entry accounting means. Now pass over your other paperwork.
Gandalf: I shall not pass!
Snag’darr: You’ll be a great accountant once you stop being a dumbass. Get out there! Go get ’em, tiger! I’m no longer practicing, but I’m glad to be teaching part-time.
Thim walks up to Snag’darr, his dragon lawyer friend, and rubs his bunny. Not like that.
Thim: Yo what the wtf bro?!
Bunny: Father, wtf me.
Thim: No. Seriously, Snag’diarrhea, what are you doing here?
Bunny: Please?
Snag’darr: Since the community took so much away from me: My flying rights, my joy of accounting, and trying to make me look like I’m more guilty for a murder than I actually am.
Thim: Wait, more guilty? Did you murder someone? That doesn’t explain why you’re here!
Snag’darr: If you’d let me finish… Since the community took so much from me, I’m trying to give back–
Thim: That doesn’t explain anything!
Snag’darr: Let me finish. I’m teaching the inmates part-time.
Thim: Start making sense!
Snag’darr: I’m…
Thim leans closer, to listen carefully.
Snag’darr: teaching…
Thim: You lost me.
Several hours later, Snag’darr finally gets through to Thim.
Snag’darr: It’s like talking to a rather stupid plant. Not the PSYCHOTIC ABILITIES!! kind, though.
Bunny: Father, be smarter.
Thim: Nah.
Many days later.
Guard: Say it with me: GYSO isn’t real.
Everyone: GYSO isn’t real.
Thim: GYSO isn’t real, I guess. asterisk, asterisk Thim, colon, asterisk, asterisk, space, GYSO isn’t real, comma, I guess, period. Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, Thim, colon, asterisk, asterisk, space, GYSO isn’t real, comma, I guess, period, period. Asterisk comma asterisk comma asteri–
Guard: Immedietely stop writing another GYSO post! Hey! You there! Recursion is not allowed on these premises!
Several hours later…
Thim: exclamation mark, line break, several hours later, ellipsis, line break, asterisk, asterisk, Thim–
The lonely sound of a man muttering and scratching his ramblings on a pizza paper–paper from a pizza box–is the only thing that can be heard in the empty classroom.
Suddenly! A telepathic message!
Robot Voice: Please hold. Melon Musk Manic Mars Mission Maniacs will be answering your call shortly. Please enjoy some soothing music.
Horbglorb music starts playing.
It’s not soothing Henry, on account of it being horbglorb music.
Robot Voice: There are a lot of psychotic communications at this time. Please hold.
Horbglorb music keeps playing. What’s horbglorb? It’s horbglorb, obviously!
Robot Voice: There are currently… many people ahead of you. There’s also three billion people ahead of you in the game of life. There are also 26 people that are ahead of you in the queue. Please get your shit together.
Henry: Noooooooo! Not the prophetic wait line!!
… Click.
Melon Musk: Welcome to Melon Musk, home of Melon Musk, I am Melon Musk, may I please take your order?
Henry: Hello yes I’d like two number nines, a number nine large–
Melon Musk: Do you want that with extra slave labor?
Henry: No thanks, I’m trying to cut down on my Geneva Checklist. But I will take the deep-fried lasagna lasagna, wrapped in bacon, fried again, wrapped in more bacon, soaked in Mountain Dew from Mt. Hungolomghnonoloughongous, and wrapped in Canadian bacon.
Melon Musk: Okay and we have a special on extra large Melon Sticks dipped in Burnt Water.
Henry: Yes please, that sounds good, and add a number nine, please.
Melon Musk: Okay, is that all I can do for you today?
Henry: I would also like a way to reach through the PSYCHOTIC??!?! Faraday Cage in the prison where they’re keeping Thim.
Melon Musk: I gotcha, homie. That’ll be $3266.069420.
Henry: Nice. Is that with tax?
Melon Musk: I run Melon Mars. There’s no tax for me, or my friends.
Henry: Awwwww. I’m your friend?
Melon Musk: No. It’s actually four grand.
Thim: Holy shit, you asked Melon Musk for help? That crazy guy with the coconut? What did that cost you?!
Henry: $3266.069420. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that much.
Thim: It’s also the max stat that a Chao can get in Sonic Adventure 2 Battle, if you ignore the decimal point.
Henry: I don’t care, shut up (✿◠‿◠) We’re going to break you out of prison!
Thim: Putting (✿◠‿◠) into your diologue doesn’t make everything you say nice, Henry. Apologize to the bunny.
Bunny: Fuk. (✿◠‿◠)
Thim: This is it. This is my life now. (✿◠‿◠) Wait, was that before or after Melon tax?
Later in the day, Thim walks out of the prison. He waves to the guards, who wave back.
Thim: Well, that was easy. Who knew we could just leave whenever?
Bunny: I did, father. Isn’t that convinent, father? Didn’t you get told that, in explicit detail, before getting here?
Thim: To be fair, I don’t fucking care. Cope. Ain’t got shit.
They walk off into the sunset.
Thim: Wow, this ‘sun’ thing is really warm. Also, shouldn’t someone be picking me up?
No one really likes him enough to do that.
The dies.
The end.