GYSO Reviews Part 57 - All Around the LORD
Published: 2025-01-12
Thim: I want to punch myself in the face every time I hear a recording of myself.
Sara: Now this I’ve got to see. Let me get my portable recorder.
Sara reaches up on top of Thim’s fridge to get a voice recorder.
Thim: That doesn’t help. Wait, why is there a–
Suddenly! A portal opens up and out comes Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ. The audience, long dead, doesn’t applause because they’re rip in ripperoni lmao.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: I was called by the voice of the LORD.
Another Jesus Christ has walked into the GYSO Mansion kitchen, wearing nothing but a bathrobe and a towel on his head. The bathrobe’s on his head too.
Thim: Halle-fukin-lujiah. Go put some clothes on, that bathrobe ain’t not no supposed to go there.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Wait, which one’s the real one!?
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Shouldn’t you know that?! Wait, shouldn’t I know that? I’m confused…
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: That makes two of us. Or one? Would it be one of us?
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Wait, yeah it would be one of us.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: No, you broke the chain of dialogue, now nobody knows who is speaking! Is it Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ One or Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ Two?
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: I’m lost.
Thim: I’ll give you some guidance, then.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Oh thank Christ!
Thim: Yeah. So…
Thim: PUT ON SOME FUCKING CLOTHES!!
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Sir yes sir!
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Yeah! Clothing! I love clothing! Wearing it is nice!
Thim (muttering): Coulda fooled me…
Sara: Boy, is this the same LORD that made you live on Mt. Hungolomghnonoloughongous, hiding as a WoW nerd? Some wise guy, that.
Sara takes several attempts to say Hungolomghnonoloughongous, but good thing she doesn’t have to say Hungolomghnonoloughongous again. That would be a Hungolomghnonoloughongous problem, wouldn’t it :)
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Yes he is very wise. And very loud. I have tinnitus, probably not unrelated.
Thim: So… is this “Lord” in the room with us now? No wait, don’t answer that until you have clothes on. I can’t hear you with your big erectus babe on display.
There’s a vague smell of LORD in the room. And a vague smell of Lithuania lithium from the living room, Henry is on the Henry-verse again.
Sara: I’ve always hated that brand of cologne. Pro tip, it doesn’t get you big titty goths like the commercials imply explicitly and advertise on the bottles and to shareholders, legally.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!
A portal opens… somewhere… and a Big Erectus Babe struts out in a full runway model bread-based suit. It’s gone stale weeks ago. They call it ‘Penicillin Style’.
Snag’darr (in the distance): So that’s when they decided to cut the feathers off my wings, so to speak…
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Some scientists believe that dinosaurs had feathers–so that makes sense that you had some too. Thank you for the valuable information, you literal dragon.
Shuffling can be heard in the room. Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ had portal’ed into the wall in Snag’darr’s cramped apartment, no one had seen him yet, and had to step through with a karate kick and awkard, hard to explain, pelvic thrust. Trust him, it was required.
Snag’darr: What the hell, dude? What are you dong dang diddly doing? I’m being interviewed for the whole Flight Permit Saga thing. Apparently they’re still making Youtube ‘Iceberg’ videos, this time about systemic dragon racism.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Oh, sorry. I hope it’s going well. The LORD called me her. Also here. The LORD isn’t very good with the whole ‘gender identity’ thing.
Snag’darr: There’s a lot of hoops to jump through.
Snag’darr: …literally.
There is an obstacle course in Snag’darrs’ apartment, made entirely out of hula hoops to jump through. He didn’t fit.
Snag’darr: …….some of them were on fire.
There’s a pile of ash where some hoops burned down. Running towards Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ are three small dogs, think chihuahuas, but their faces make you think of moldy bread. Speaking of which…
Interviewer: … What are you wearing?
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ (T-posing): BEGONE
The Interviewer screams one last time and disintegrates from the story.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: I’ve always wanted to do that.
Snag’darr: You’ve just made my life so much harder. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: I’m not. I’m just doing the LORD’s work, Santa– I mean Sara- I mean suck my– I mean Snag’darr.
If you’ve never had a death stare from a dragon before, then get the fuck out of this chat you filthy casual.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Why do you have such small pets when you’re such a large animal?
Snag’darr: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!
The roaring of the dragon shakes the building. The person under Snag’darr’s apartment hits the ceiling with a broom handle and complains about the noise. Again.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Oh, I forgot you were born in Mexico. I meant animale.
Snag’darr: It doesn’t help when you say ‘animale’ in Spanish.
Jesus ‘Big Erectus Babe’ Christ: Potato, potato.
Snag’darr: It doesn’t make any difference in writing– wait, what?
If you’ve never seen a dragon burn down his own apartment building because Jesus Christ provoked it by calling it an animal and then an animale and then saying potato twice, as a service of the LORD, then you’ve never lived – go out and scrub grass you fucking touch.
The dies.
The end.