GYSO Reviews Part 6 - 99 Problems, Part 1: All out of ass or all out of bubblegum?

Published: 2023-01-29

The Good

Tim:

Let S be the set of all possible continuations of the humorous sentence fragment, “I’m here to chew ass and kick bubblegum”. There is a subset of S in which a nominal human being of somewhat American descent would consider the continuation funny enough to warrant laughter or some other expression of mirth; call this subset S’.

Now disregard all previously mentioned sets, and instead consider just the two continuations of “but I’m all out of ass” and “but I’m all out of bubblegum”. Which one is funnier?

Thor:

That sure is a Thing, with a capital T, minus the -ng, plus an m.

“Duke Nukem is a video game series named for its main character, Duke Nukem. Created by the company Apogee Software Ltd. (now 3D Realms) as a series of video games for personal computers, the series expanded to games released for various consoles by third-party developers. The first two games in the main series were 2D platformers, while the later games have been a mix of first-person and third-person shooters.” (Wikipedia 2022)

The main character, Duke Nukem, is known for his catchphrase “I’m all out of gum, here to kick ass and chew”. The line itself is pretty funny but using modern humor we can learn that it would be more funnier to swap the words around in the sentence; resulting in two potential results, one of which might be funnier than the other, exemplified as follows: “I’m here to chew ass and kick bubblegum, but I’m all out of bubblegum” or “I’m here to chew ass and kick bubblegum, but I’m all out of ass”.

The Bad

Tim:

So the problem is that I don’t know which one is funnier. If you say “I’m all out of ass”, it implies that you’ve already chewed all the ass and now it’s time to kick bubblegum. But if you say “I’m all out of bubblegum” you imply that you’ve had you’re fun with your bubblegum kicking foreplay, and now it’s time to chew ass.

Both of them are powerful implications, but I can’t for the life of me decide which one is funnier. I’ve literally, actually pondered this question for close to a decade now, and I still can’t decide. Nobody can help me decide either, which is why I’m deciding to throw it at GYSO so that my pain and suffering can be immortalized into this damn fucking website fuck.

Thor:

When I was first approached by Tim with this problem, I was excited to get to work. If our previous experiences working on projects together is anything to go by, I know we will be having problems.

When I first heard about the problem, I laughed for a solid three minutes, twenty three seconds, and seventy hergorbalorbs. At the onset, it seemed so childish! But as we made several attempts to find the solution, and realized subjectivity might be involved, we immediately set about to squash this inconsistency in the world.

So now we’re launching this Kickstarter as a way to for you to support us in finally reaching a solution!

When I first suggested that we reach out to our fans to support this project, I wasn’t met with any form of social resistance. Tim knows I’m not serious about actually starting a Kickstarter to fund research into which of the previously mentioned phrases would be funnier. Instead he just kind of laughed a little.

The Everything Else

Tim:

I’ve got several fidget toys, because my hands can’t keep still for more than 10 seconds before my frontal lobe begins its metamorphosis. Nevertheless, I’ve got them, and they all kind of suck. Not in the sexy suck either–that’s a different kind of fidget toy–but just the sucking suck.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s fun to play with the little plastic link chain thing, but I have so much more fun squishing and stretching something. But when I squish and stretch the things as much as I normally do they always break! It’s like getting an unbreakable dog toy, only to find out your dog is apparently rehearsing for Cujo 2.0: The Revengence and challenged the toy to an honor dual.

Whatever. The ultimate fidget toy of doing actual good work in my life is the hardest to use, because my life, and my bucket of popcorn, is in shambles. Hurry up Big Erectus Babe, deliver me from this madness; I’m ready.

Thor:

The first pair of cowboy boots I got was in 1456. A man named Alfrédo Rethedo gave me some for free, and he was wearing speedos. There were some police chasing down men doing the macareno, as it was a civil crime in this part of townedo. At that point, I already had seven hundred and corn cowboy boots, and I was very excited to buy them from Haresh Maresh, eating a mosquito.

The first pair of hair driers I got was in third grade!: I had beautiful black and red and white and brown and green and lilac and red and black. They were beautiful. I used them to fight of crime using my alien superpowers that I got from the voluntary space-procedure that the Melon Musk Corp. was offering in the mid-3050s. Of course, the results of the procedure were mixed, and the size of the resulting longness monster was about the size of your leg I’m pulling rn fr real lol.

The Conclusions

Tim:

I hope this post cleared up how we solved this major problem. Sometimes, you really do need to just dump your problems out in an open place, and hash it out with a good friend. Tune in next time so that we can never again bring up the other 98 problems because fuck doing nearly 4 years of posts like that dog gamn.

Thor:

The money went to good use on the anonymous big data researcher we found in that back-alley. Unfortunately he had pimples, was sixteen, and his mom called to pick him up, so we never did get any conclusions on our research. I hope this clears up where the missing 500 went, and we (the Get Your Skills On blog) will not address the issue in further updates. Thank you for your concern for the boy’s safety and I hope you visit his memorial site to pay respects.

References

Wikipedia contributors. (2022, December 28). Duke Nukem. In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved January 13, 2023, from https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Duke_Nukem&oldid=1130160151