GYSO Reviews Part 60 - The Bunny Returns From War

Published: 2025-02-23

From the early morning fog machine in front of the GYSO Mansion, a bunny hops up to the front steps. Adorned on its shining white fur is a medal honoring its bravery. Its head is shaved bald because that’s what they do in the army.

It knocks down the front door when it tries to knock–they’ve not gotten around to changing the hinges. It calls out in its buttery smooth baritone:

Bunny: Father. I’ve returned from war.

Thim has his head buried deep in an evil glowing rectangle, carrying Sara’s newspaper and some cereal, sipping from a beer helmet. He speaks with the voice of an angle–not an angel, angle.

Thim: Thanks for your service, I guess.

The bunny hops up on Thim’s shoulder, resting there for the first time in several episodes. Its little bunny nose twitches in satisfaction.

Bunny: It was horrible, Father. The petting. I can still feel it.

The bunny hops around the Dollar Colonel, wondering where Thim went.

Owner (shrieking): Naaaw! It’s a cute little bunny, come here you little guy, you.

It’s a young woman in their 1800s, historically accurate knight outfits on full display (on mannequins to the left, the woman is butt ass naked). She picks up the bunny and lifts them onto their shoulder.

Bunny: This is not where I belong. My Father will pick me up.

Owner: Awww! Aren’t you just the cutest, fluffiest, most adorable little twitchy-nosed bun bun to ever bun!

Bunny: Historically accurate knight-woman. You do understand me, don’t you? Bring me to Father. I demand it.

The owner, carrying the bunny, goes to the back of the store to find a big cage for him to hop around in.

Thim does a double half-backflip over the sofa and onto the backup sofa behind it. Bouncing off the backup sofa he lands on his huge backlog sofa, exploding the organic hemp beanbag cushions with the weight of his thicccccc ass.

Bunny: Father, did you miss me?

Thim: …A bit, yeah. Where were you, again?

Bunny: The war, Father. I was a prisoner of war, the Colonel locked me in a dollar store cage and fed me delicious dry, hay-based foodstuff.

Thim blinks.

Thim: Really? I only feed you beef jerky and cyanide.

Bunny: The meal of champions.

PSA: Don’t eat beef jerky.

The bunny sips from the bunny water canister thing–whatever that’s called. The water feeder? The thing with the little spout and the ball on the bottom that lets the water out in little drops for the bunny. You know what I’m talkin’ about, broooother. Snap into a Slim-Jim. Hell ya. I’M THE CREAM OF THE CROP AND THE CREAM RISES TO THE TOP! Sponsored by Santa.

Bunny: I will not be caged by your siren foodstuffs and delicious clean non-alcoholic water. I must resist and return to Father, who waits for me with bated breath.

Customer: Such a cute little guy! What’s his problem, though?

Owner: Oh, our new little Gregory Gorgeous II? There was a rude customer here “testing” our dollar-off ethanol by drinking it, and then he just left the little fella here! He’s been great for business, employee mood has significantly improved as well. To be fair, anything more than negative ten is an improvement on the mood–I don’t pay my employees well.

The bunny hops around and twitches his nose like a bun.

Bunny: My innate power is immense. If you do not comply, you will be the first to feel my wrath the day I am in a form capable of holding my stren–

The customer is petting the Bunny. The Bunny is shaking with enjoyment hate.

Bunny: But you will be spared, for touching me like my father refuses to touch me.

Not like that.

Thim: Anyways, why’d you choose to come back? I never pet you or anything.

The bunny buns around all over the place.

Bunny: Because, Father. I must–

Thim: Be quiet, the show’s starting.

Thim looks at the broken television together (remember that? Wow what a callback) and laughs.

Thim: I can’t believe they’ve found so many two-thousand pound people to gawk at like this! This is like episode five million, and they just keep agreeing to go on the show!

A queen bee flies in through the broken ceiling, beginning to set up a nest inside the broken television. This will become relevant in like ten episodes or something. Remember. You have to remember. There should be zero surprises about the bees in the television. You’ve been warned.

Bunny: Father, touch me.

Thim: Nah.

Thim eats another handful of non-popped popcorn.

Thim (though his shattered teeth): Mmmmmm.

Thim: Where’d you get that medal? From the Colonel?

Bunny: It is a tale of great length.

Not like that.

Customer (to his young child): No, Timmy, you can’t have the metal. No, not the medal either.

Little Timmy, somewhere between to two too tu-tu too(th) to three years old, starts crying, but stops when he sees the bunny in the cage in the corner of the Dollar Colonel and the green grass grows all around and around. Looking at the medal, to the bunny, back at the medal, to his father, and back to the bunny again, Timmy wipes his snotty nose with the medal and marches towards the bunny’s’ cage. There, he places the medal through the cracks in the baby-back ribs of the cage, backs away, and bows at the bunny. Silently, the child backs away while the bunny buns.

Thim: Wow what an honor.

Bunny: Thank you, Father.

Suddenly! A flare of PSYCHOTIC! ABILITIES?! flares up, flaring into a flare in the shape of Henry’s flare of aloe-vera plant flares.

Henry: Oh, and gosh, I was just wonderin’… Were there any, uh, friendly plants keeping your prisoner’s dilemma type situation under control?

Bunny: Yes.

Henry: Oh wow! What where they like?

Bunny: Cheap and made of plastics.

Henry: Like a prostitute?!?!

Thim: I feel like I’m the only person here who actually knows what the prisoner’s dilemma is. Also that entire conversation made no sense whatsoever. Aren’t I supposed to be the incomprehensible one?

Henry: Plant prostitutes are plastic, Thim. :3

Bunny: Here’s how I escaped.

Elf Two: … that’s what I was saying!

Elf: Shut up. Anyways, what were you saying?

Bunny: Quick. Santas’ Little Helpers. You must rescue me.

Elf: Woah, isn’t that Thim’s bunny? What’s it doing here in a Dollar Colonel?

Bunny: Father needs me, break the chains binding me to this place and allow me to move forth with the great plan.

Elf: You know you can just jump out, right? There’s no roof on this cage.

Bunny: …

Elf Two: You like it here, don’t you?

Bunny: …It is nice to not sleep on rail spikes for once.

Elf Two: It’s crazy seeing you here, and we honestly shouldn’t even be talking to you right now. Santa would freeze the entire western hemisphere if he found out we were talking to Thim’s bunny, especially while we’re on a mission.

Elf: Yeah, we’re placing eels in the common public areas where Thim goes so he’ll be too afraid to interfere with our plans.

Elf gently slaps a small aquarium he’s carrying, where an eel is resting.

Elf: This baby can carry like five eels!

Eel: fdsjklajfldksajfkldsljkfsad

The Bunny jumps out of the cage.

Bunny: Quick! Swap that eel for my spot in the siren’s cage! They will never know!

Looking surprised at the willingness to cooperate, Elf complies with the command.

There is spillage. Of eel.

**Eel:* DFJKSDLAJLFJDSLK!!

Owner: And what in the holy name of Jee-dong-Esus do you think you’re dong-doing back there, you pointy-eared Little Helpers?

Elf Two: CHEESE IT! There’s no time to explain that all us Elfs aren’t Little Helpers! No time at all to explain the intricate details about the sociopolitical landscape of elf-culture at the North Pole! Not even a little amount of time to pontificate ponderously about the poles! Please, hurry before we run out of our limited time! Our one shot! Don’t falter! Don’t wait!

They run out of the store, tripping over spilled eels on the way out.

Thim has prepared a luxurious meal, and a big bowl of leafy greens is towering in the middle of the kitchen table. The ‘big bowl’ is a toilet bowl, but all the other bowls were broken earlier in a different stupid GYSO event and it gets the job done so whatever.

Thim: It’s all yours, buddy. Go ahead. Today, you’re the king.

The bunny stares in slack-jawed disbelief, his floofy cheeks on full display.

Bunny: Father.

Thim: Yes, my brave and loyal bunny?

Bunny: What.

Thim: You faced an eel. You know what they say, that a man’s true test of bravery is when they encounter an eel. I’m so sorry.

The bunny decides that he’s okay with this, and nibbles on the leafy greens. Dogs drink out of toilet bowls, but there’s basically no way to make that connection in a funny organic way–just like how the leafy greens are organic.

Suddenly! Thim’s hand reaches out and pets the bunny! :O

Bunny: :O

Thim: I think I’m gonna call you… Bunny.

And then Bunny and Thim lived happily ever after. For like a day, until Snag’darr laughs and calls ‘Bunny’ a name for a prostitute.

The dies.

The end.