GYSO Reviews Part 62 - Thim Sensei

Published: 2025-03-23

Teacher: Welcome class, to our blog writing college course! Today we have a very famous guest speaker, the author of the hit blog Get Your Skills On, Thim!

Thim struts up to the front of the class and slams his hands down on the desk.

Thim: Alright ye little shitties, yarrrr probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today, maties. Even if you’re little shits swabbin the deck, it’s ain’t going to be a sewer. Now I’m going to teach you how to rob trade lines along the east coast.

Student (nervously): Uh, Mister Thim, you’re the guest speaker for our class in blog writing.

Thim, wearing full historically accurate pirate attire, puts one leg on a casket and says…

Thim: Aaaye… I suppose so, ye matie. Arrrrrr’ent you write about that?

Student: Mister Thim–?

Thim: That’s Mister T to you, you little shit.

Student: …Mister T. What blog do you write for again?

Other Student: He writes for Get Your Grill On! I love that blog!

Student: Woah, really Mister T? I can’t wait to learn!

Thim: ARRRRRR

The room shakes and the lights flicker in Thim’s upset. It’s unrelated to the upset, just bad timing, but it still happened and was kind of weird if you think about it too hard.

Thim: Aye do not write fumin’ reviews of grills, aye write angry reviews on Get Your Skills On!

Student: Oh okay, I’m sorry. How does your marketing work, considering you write reviews on what sounds to be a sort of documentary-style blog?

Thim takes a bite out of a pineapple. An entire pineapple. Husk and all. A bite of it.

Thim: Alright I’m tired of the pirate thing. Anyways, listen up! If you wanna write a lean, mean, and supreme blog you have to get three of your friends to invest in this great opportunity I’ve got for you.

He opens up the teacher’s laptop and plugs in a flash drive, launching a presentation. Not on the projector, though, just on the laptop screen. Facing away fron the class.

The title of the presentation, listed on top of a CC0 stock photo of an aloe vera plant, is HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS EASY WITH SKIN CARE PRODUCTS!

Student I’m sorry to ask, but what does this have to do with any of your tips on keeping a healthy libido in a long-term marriage?

Thim: God damn it! Do I have to tell you again? That’s Get Your Marriage On, you fool. You unedning stream of bad ideas. You nincompoop. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Short answer is: Don’t get married. Easy. The longer answer to the secret sauce is…

Thim flips to the next slide of the presentation. It shows some… rather risque pictures of… melons.

Thim: Everyone likes melons–

A student raises their hand. Thim throws up throws the rest of the pineapple at them.

Thim: I said, EVERYONE LIKES MELONS, RIGHT?!

All the students: Aye, aye, captain!

Thim: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!

All the students: Aye, aye, captain!!

Thim: OOOOOOHHHH–

Henry: So, how’d the class go?

Thim: I got shut down for copyright infringment. And starting a riot. And starting a totally legitimate buisness. Get Your Teach On says they’ll never hire me again and they regret ever even thinking about working with me. Then there was something about “military secrets” on a flash drive or something, but I skadoodled before the bombs and raid sirens got going.

Henry: Woah! I guess nobody wants to purhase aloe vera plant flesh… Oh well…

Thim: Tough shit, buddy.

Thim notices a cardboard box on the kitchen table. He points to it, like a dog, then looks puzzled at Henry, like a dog, then points again, then looks puzzled at Bunny, then back to me, then back at your man. But sadly, he isn’t Thim. But if he stopped using lady scented aloe vera plant juice, he could make millions easy without leaving his couch.

Thim: What the fuck?

Henry: Oh that? Albert dropped off of a cliff, probably to fake his death again, and before that he dropped off the archival issues of Get Your War On.

Thim: My question still remains, buried alive like a guy who didn’t pay the mob their protection money.

Bunny: Father, the war.

Thim opens the box, narrowly dodging the gunshot that came out of the box.

Thim: Oh cool. So Albert dropped off the archival issues of Get Your War On. Why didn’t you tell me? I’m all about historically accurate war stuff, like my musket!

Thim points at his Eel Shooting Musket held up by the trigger on a coat hanger.

Henry: I oughta keep from mentioning the skeletons in your closet, huh?

Thim freezes, then dashes to the closet. He rips the damn thing off the hinges like a gorilla, noises and all. A deluge of dirt flows out, and a guy stumbles out of the pile.

Guy: Wow! Thanks for saving me! The mob buried me alive in your closet because I didn’t pay their protection money.

Thim: Ah. I gotta let this skeleton bake a bit longer in this closet.

Thim shoves the guy back in, closing the door.

The dies.

The end.