GYSO Reviews Part 63 - The GYSO Mansion Backrooms

Published: 2025-04-06

The streets are almost giving in, there’s so many people gathered outside, around, inside, over, under, above, and through the GYSO Mansion.

Basically clawing through the crowd, Sara brushes past the five eviction notice supply crates on the property. Thim really seems to have something against paying property taxes, income taxes, taxes, tipping, subscription services that could be solved through piracy, and phone bills.

Basically anyone and everyone you know, want to know, or don’t want to know, is there, you know?

Sara arives at the front door of the GYSO Mansion and knocks. Only one hinge on the door crumbles like a bad cookie from the force.

Thim opens the door, resplendant in his fuzzy pink bathrobe, Bunny perched on his shoulder like a parrot for a pirate. He’s not doing the pirate thing this time, though, don’t worry.

Thim: ’sup?

Sara gestures at the tremendous, humongous, rather large crowd of people outside the GYSO Mansion.

Sara: ????????!!!

Thim: Yeah. I invited everyone to Goopy Droopy’s party.

Sara: When you say everyone…?

Thim raises a single brow.

Sara: What did I expect? I’m coming in.

Inside the GYSO Mansion living room…

Sara: We need more room if we’re going to fit literally everyone into this mansion.

Thim: It’s a pretty large mansion.

Sara: I hate you.

Bunny: Rude.

Thim (at the same time): Rude.

Thim and Bunny high five–high paw? Whatever.

Main Character 1: Hey! It’s Bunny! Wouldn’t you love to be a part of our new marketing push to put GYSO in the spotli–

Thim: We have to go now. Into the basement. There’s room down there. Let’s not stay here.

Main Character 1: I can’t hear you! There’s too many people here, can you speak up? Maybe we could draft a deal in the basement?

Bunny bounces in a majestic arc through the air, licking Main Character 1 in the face, bouncing off said face, and landing back on Thim’s shoulder.

Thim: Do that more, Bunny. To like, everyone. All the time.

Bunny: Yes, father.

Sara: Ugh. How’s Goopy even going to fit in here? I mean, we don’t want him flying above us and, uh, goop… gooping?? on us.

Thim: People would pay good money for someone to goop on them.

Sara: We’re not talking about Goopy’s day job, Thim.

Thim writes something down, muttering to himself.

Thim: So he’s a prostitute now…

In through the already broken window, an aloe vera plant in a pot floats up to Thim.

Henry: Oyy, more like he’s part of the adult entertainment industry!

Thim: Stop, Henry. You’re too innocent to know such things.

Henry: I have biological needs too, you know. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Thim: Bunny, please kick this entire conversation out of my skull. Now.

Bunny: ’Kay.

John: Okay, welcome back to the bi-annual Goopy Droopy birthday party!

John John: It’s an exciting day for sure, Jo–

John: I can’t quite hear you, John John, as we are currently swarmed by random people from all around the relevant universe, making it difficult to hear each other.

John John: Yes, when Thim invited everyone he also made sure to promise everyone a place to nap after getting, quote, ‘fucking blasted’ on 5000 proof vodka.

John: Not only that, but there’s been some ominous sounds coming from the GYSO Mansion basement after known accomplice Sara walked down there with her enormous power tool.

John John: What an idiot. Good thing he doesn’t watch the news, or he’d hear us.

A shadow appears behind the news caster.

Thim: Yo.

John: John John, please tell my wife I hated her fucking guts holy shit.

John John: John, you’re not even married. What wife.

Thim leans in.

Thim: Yeah, John. What wife?

Suddenly! There’s a loud burst and the ground is shaking! Knees weak, arms shaking. There’s shaking on his shake already, John’s wife is shaking!

The door to the basement flings open, ripping from the (very loose) hinges, and Sara emerges. She’s covered in soot.

Sara: Okay, I think I cleared some room down there, I think. A lot of room.

Magnus–you know, the power tool that’s super relevant to Sara’s character–whirrs in her hand like a happy… power tool? Yeah. I’m too sober for this.

The crowd erupts in cheers. They also erupt in a volcano, killing millions. Good thing the zombie plague is spreading through the crowd, so there’s just some crispy walking dead shambling around now. They’ll be fine. Just walk it off.

Goopy Droopy: Oh, how quiant. A surprise party for yours truly?

Goopy is, uh, gooping… in excitement. No lenny face required here.

Thim: Oh hey, Goopy–

Thim does a double take.

Thim: Goopy! Happy birthday!

Goopy Droopy: Thank you my good friend. Truly, the bonds of friendship and the souls of millions lost to the volcano serve as the most perfect backdrop to a day of celebration.

Thim (with a megaphone suspiciously shaped like a bunny): ALRIGHT LISTEN UP ASSHOLES! GOOPY’S HERE AND HE’S READY TO PAR-TAY!!

The crowd erupts again. Second verse same as the first.

Thim: ON THE COUNT OF THREE, WE ALL SING A LEGALLY DISTINCT BIRTHDAY SONG! ONE, A TWO, TWO AND A HALF, TWO AND THREE QUARTERS, TWO AND–

Sara flicks Thim in (in) the nose.

Thim: Alright alright… Ahem. THREE!

Snag’darr: Now that everyone died in the volcanic eruption and zombie plague, what are you going to do? Where’s the party activities?

Snag’darr shakes his hips like they don’t lie, causing tremors ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

Sara: Y’all really should check out the space I dug out in the basement, it might be a secret labyrinth or something, could be fun.

Thim: Fuck it. Let’s just go, I read the title of this post way too long ago for us to get to the main plot line now. Like watching a youtube video where the guy pretends you can’t read the fucking title or look at the thumbnail. Yeah, asshole, I wonder what this video called ‘How to Eat A Rock’ is about in your stupid intro. Thanks for clearing that one up, fuckwad.

Goopy Droopy: Ah, yes, a labyrinth! An ingenious marvel of entertainment. Shall we?

They shall. Or shell, in the case of the irrelevant snail that doesn’t do anything and won’t do anything.

The hole in the wall of the basement leads to… yet more basement?

Thim: Didn’t know we had this much basement.

Snag’darr: I didn’t know we had a basement.

Thim: You go first, Snag’darr.

Snag’darr: What, why?

Thim: You’re a dragon. You’re safer than any of us.

Snag’darr: You’re literally incapable of dying.

Thim: I’m literally capable of kicking your giant scaly ass.

Good news: Snag’darr’s giant scaly ass tore open the hole in the basement so that a few buses could fit in.

Bad news: The basement is apparently supernatural and goes on forever.

Worse news: There’s a lot of rats and moles.

Great news: Goopy is having a good birthday.

Thim punts a rat into the ceiling like it’s a made-up-ball.

Thim: Booyah! Ten points!

Sara: How far does this place go? How do the rats and moles survive without any food? How did this get here? Is this a reference to something?

Snag’darr: I don’t know. I missed that lesson in Incomprehensible Cosmic Bullshit 101.

Henry: Wow! It’s another kitchen! Thim, could I please have this one?

Henry floats over to the stove and turns it on. Witty joke. Then it shoots out from the floor, straight through the ceiling, leaving the atmosphere and going straight towards Melon Mars.

Henry: We might need to install a new stove first, though.

Snag’darr: I tried to install a stove, but it just gave my computer a virus.

Turning on the tap, first there’s no water. Then comes a gentle sound of fizz, then comes the gentle sound of ten million souls screaming in eternal volcano eruption torment. A voice comes through the faucet:

Jeff Beachhouse: Wait, how did you get here? Who installed this link?! Immediately fire them and put their family in the vacation homes of their dreams for an affordable price. When they think they got the deal, make sure some rental mongul takes it from them by hopelessly overbidding.

Thim: Man this place blows. Who knew my property was so large, though? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sara: The government owns this land, actually.

Thim: Yeah, why don’t they take it from me? Checkmate.

Jeff Beachhouse: …Oh. It’s you people. I told you not to call this number.

The sink sinks into the ground, crumbling into a pile of black sand.

Henry: I don’t want this kitchen any more…

Ten million snakes erupt from an erupting snake volcano out of one of the cupboards. Ten million. The flood is biblical, like God throwing a… hissy fit! BOOHYAH!

Sara: Thank God the floor disappared from underneath us, making a large pit to hold all of those snakes. Isn’t that convenient?

Snag’darr: I thought I saw an eel in the deluge.

Thim freezes in panic.

Snag’darr: Or wait. Maybe it was a snake. Yes, probably a snake.

Thim unfreezes.

Henry: Wow! That room over there is just pure white! I wonder what’s going on in there.

It’s so bright it’s like it’s pure white. Henry wonders what’s going on in there.

Walking towards the room, which seems like it’ll be the thing to reveal to Henry what’s going on in there in the bright white room, they slowly get closer.

The experience of the pure white room is something that has piqued Henrys’ interest.

Slowly, being impossibly more and more blinded by the pure white light emanating from the room which the Gang(TM) is slowly approaching, Henry sees something and wonders what it is.

At the … door? Opening? Entrance? Of the blinding white room, Henry has seen something with his … eyes? and is curiously investigating what it might be.

Thim: Can someone tell me why The Flash is eating pizza, wearing nothing but Sonic-themed speedos on his head, and watching lewd anime on a flat screen TV underneath my mansion?

The Flash (almost choking on pizza): The representation of this character is protected under Fair Use. And also the fact that literally nobody reads this blog.

Henry: Wow. Now I know what was in that bright white room! :O

Thim is in the GYSO Mansion kitchen (the normal one), snacking on some cereal. The others are eating cake shaped like cereal–also known as all cereal–and the afternoon sun is gently shining in through the windows.

Thim: Thanks for coming you guys. It really means a lot to me that you chose to spend your day with me–

Goopy Droopy: Ah yes. A mighty “hoorah” for me! What a splendid gathering this has been – and an excellent adventure at that! Marvelous, I say!

Going to get a refridgirated beverage from the fridgid refridgerating refridgerator, Thim opens the door and is greeted by the view of a volcanic hellscape.

Thim: Uh, guys?

Looking around, the kitchen table has sunk into the floor, the sink has sunk into the kitchen table, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa has been scared straight, erect right outside the GYSO Mansion window.

Thim: Fuck.

The dies.

The end.