GYSO Reviews Part 64 - Henry Possesses Some Guy

Published: 2025-04-20

There’s a knock, a knocking upon the GYSO Mansion door.

Thim opens it, chugging some vodka out of a whiskey bottle. What a rebel.

Guy: Hi, I’m here for the aloe vera plant. He’s supposed to possess me.

Frowing his eyes, eyeing the guy in the eyes, eyes spaghetti, Thim spies through his little eyes… bullshit.

Thim: Bullshit.

The door closes, perhaps even slams, but doesn’t lock in place. Instead the hinges finally (finally!) break, and the door falls to the ground.

Thim: …Bullshit.

Thim throws his whiskey bottle on the floor, tap dances on the shards of glass because he can, and moon walks back into the GYSO Mansion.

As Thim is progressing in his… ritual… a light shaking can be heard louder and louder, the sound of flying pottery getting closer and closer.

Henry: I’m here! :) You came! :O

Thim (skating on his bloody feet like ice): Don’t say it like that, man, come on.

Guy: You’re the aloe vera plant?

Henry: Ye–

Thim: What do you fuckin’ think, Sherlock?!

Guy: Wait, how do you know my name? Are you guys the government or something? I know it seems bad, but it’s not what it looks like!

Thim: YOUR NAME IS FUCKING SHER–

Henry: Anyways! The pizza’s in the kitchen. Eat all you want, and then I’ll possess you! Forever.

Guy: Sweet. Didn’t want to work anymore anyways. Do I still have to pay taxes while I’m under your thrall?

Thim: Jesus, what’s your line of work? Detective or some shit?

Guy: I solve problems. Practical problems.

Thim: You’re a TF2 Engineer?

Guy: No, I work in IT.

Guy: Wow, you even splurged for the stuffed crust.

Henry: Well, I figured that since you’re throwing your entire life away and all that jazz :).

Guy: You’re the nicest aloe vera plant I’ve ever been possessed by.

Thim: You know what? I’m done questioning this.

Thim grabs some popcorn kernels. He eats them without popping them. He chips some teeth, goes to the dentist, gets jaw replacement surgery, comes back, and the guy is done eating his stuffed crust pizza.

Henry: Now, sit perfectly still… I’m going to use my PSYCHOTIC ABILITIES?!?! to subsume your very identity, replacing it with my own will! :D

Bunny, sitting on Thim’s shoulder, speaks in his deep baritone.

Bunny: Father, what the fuck is any of this.

Guy: Yeah, that’s cool with me. Good pizza btw. Nice to know your Craigslist ad wasn’t just another scam like the other ones. Is there some ritual to this or something? The others used incense and purple crayon-lobotomy and my social security… I hope you don’t need my identity for anything.

Henry: Nah, just sit still and I’ll take care of the rest. Forever xD

Suddenly! There’s a bright flash–

The Flash: Something something fair use.

Thim: Get the fuck out of my house!!

The Flash: Gotta flash!

Henry: Ahem. As I was saying…

Suddenly! There’s a bright flash! The guy supposedly named Sherlock (no relation) has a bunch of PSYCHOTIC ENERGY??!?! surrounding his head for a bit. Then, he slumps in his chair, like a string with its puppet cut.

Thim: Did it work?

Bunny: That guy doesn’t work, father. That’s the point.

The guy twitches, then groans. His mouth moves, and makes sounds, but it’s more like a wounded animal than anything intelligible.

Henry (via telepathy): …Talking with a mouth is hard. How do you do it?

Bunny: There is a perfectly succint answer for you, hidden in the depths of logopedics.

Thim turns to Bunny, eyes squinting.

Thim: Actually, how the hell are you talking? You don’t have lips!

Bunny: Magic, father.

Thim: Bullshit.

The possessed guy twitches again, then flops onto the floor like a fish out of vodka.

Henry: Where’s… Where’s the, uh… photosynthesize button on this thing? This guy’s liver hasn’t seen any nutrient for years, it seems!

Thim: Hate to break it buddy, but we eat food for nourishment in this house.

Henry: !!!??? I thought that was a joke! :O

Thim: …What? How in the name of all that is ethanol did you think that was a joke?

Henry: Because it doesn’t contain nutrients! Not like sunlight! Or dirt!

Thim walks over to the fridge, pulling out several bottles of octuple distilled moonshine.

Thim: This is going to be a long day.

Bunny: Your diet, father. It is not the optimal example of a human diet.

Thim: Chew on more alfalfa, you fuzzy little shit.

There’s a man doing the “Thriller” dance in the GYSO Mansion hallway. Except the man can’t stand, because he’s being controlled by a plant that has never operated legs, arms, a head, or anything else before. So it’s more like the “Seizure” dance in the GYSO Mansion hallway, but whose counting, right?

Thim: Okay, you got him on his back, that’s good. Now take his arms…

The right leg flies towards the ceiling. It’s a pretty low ceiling, or an absurdly long leg. The guy’s apperance hasn’t really been established. Too bad.

Thim: Take his right arm, and–

Sara walks into the hallway, stops at the scene, then turns around without a word to go far, far away.

Thim: Good going, Henry. You spooked Sara.

Bunny: Infants take years to learn walking, father.

The possessed guy, apparently called Cherlok or something, lets his palm meet his face. Not intentionally or anything, but that’s just the way his arms flailed at that exact moment.

Henry: What the fun? What was that?

Thim: Stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself? Huh? Stop hitting yourself. Get help. Self harm is evidence of mental health issues. I know a hood therapist–they’re not good, they’re just from the hood. Stop hitting yourself.

Henry: Never mind mental health, was that pain when that hand hit my– his face?

Thim: Oh, Henry. You sweet summer child. Sit down and let me tell you about the agonies of flesh.

It’s been several days now, and Henry has learned much about how to pilot a disgusting meat puppet in the shape of a highly evolved chimpanzee.

The body flops around on the floor of the GYSO Mansion living room, grunting and moaning in… some type of way.

Sara: Henry, you need to give that thing a shower. It’s ripe.

Henry: Yummy! :) I love the bacteria, it encourages growth of the mulch. I can sense it–

Sara: Don’t tell me any more, I don’t want to hear it. I’m begging you. You definitely need to give that thing a shower. We humans need it to get clean, the bacteria is no good for us and the smell is repulsive.

Henry: Wait… A shower? You mean what you people do to water yourselves in private?! HUH?!? :O

Thim bursts through the wall like the Kool-aid man.

Sara: I just repaired that…

Thim: OH YEAH! I thought I felt someone doing something stupid! What’s up, Henry?

Henry: Thiiiiiim! Sara says that showers are for getting clean, not for watering yourself!

The guy, now resting like an unused mop in a corner of the room, gently flings one arm and gurgles something incomprehensible.

Thim: … Even if it’s a good idea, I don’t know if you have enough control yet to make it through the shower safely. It’s wet in there, even level 50 veteran humans sometimes slip and fall in there.

Henry: But… But– I thought you guys were just shy about watering yourselves! That’s why you do it in private! Right?!

Thim: I mean, some people do it in public I guess. Hey, we can go outside and use the watering hose or something, let me help you out.

The Gang(tm) stands outside the GYSO Mansion. Thim holds a hose in his hand, grinning like a Saturday morning cartoon villian.

Snag’darr: Why are you letting me witness this? Isn’t this some form of cruelty or kidnapping or something?

Henry: Says nothing in the law about aloe vera plants psychopathologically controlling humans :)

Snag’darr: Yeah, I can’t see any criminal behavior in that.

Henry: I also compensated him, so it’s fine.

Thim: Anyways, let’s do this. Snag’darr, you’re here in case the poor guy gets hypothermia or something, maybe you can heat him up with your blistering dragon breath.

Snag’darr: That kills people, Thim.

Thim: Wait, really? Eh. (unconcerned) Let’s just check his pockets first. Henry, c’est toi.

It looks more like a funny dance than natural human movement when Henry gets the famous Sherlock Guy to put his arms in his pockets. Both arms. Arms. They’re deep pockets. First, arms all the way up, praising the sun and/or Hell depending on the direction. Then, smashingly fast, rushing into the jeans pockets…

Sara (recording): I think I’ve found the new viral cringe dance. Time to upload this to BitchTok.

Bunny: Terrifying.

Triumphantly, the possessed guy holds his arms straight up again, head limp and tilting in one of the eight cardinal directions, and manages a poor throw at the Gang(tm) standing before him.

Thim steps forward, investigating the damage.

Thim: Let’s see… Old receipt, lint, pocket change, lint change, pocket lint, old lint, pocket receipt, lint, receipt pocket… Oh! And a shank! … But wait… it’s an iShank 13? Not even a new model, gross. No wonder this guy wanted to throw his life away, I’d be just as ashamed, to be honest.

Sara: Thim, you’re acting like a terrible human being right now. Stop it immediately!

Thim: Right now? Does that mean other times I’m good? Ha! Take that, karma! You ain’t got shit!

Sara angrily glares at him angrily in anger.

At the dinner table is one guy sitting, being fed mashed fruit rollups by *psychotic/>?!???!@$ force. The rest are eating mashed tacos. The shells broke, so they all agreed to pretend that they’re having ‘taco salad’ instead. The guy with the fruit rollups is marginally burnt all over his body.

Thim: So what did we learn today?

Guy: UUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPTTTTTTTHHHH

Sara: Why do I hang out with you people?

Henry: I learned that watering a human is hard! Then really warm!

Snag’darr: I learnt that Thim is ready to help another person if he smells bad enough.

Thim: Don’t get used to it.

The Flash: Hey guys–

Thim pulls out his historically accurate musket (pre lubed, loaded, and cocked), and shoots The Flash in the face. He dies instantly.

Thim: Does anyone object to what just happened in the last paragraph?

There’s shrugs all around–and in one specific case there’s mashed fruit rollup flung around.

Thim: Cool. Meeting adjurned.

The dies.

The end.